Category Archives: humour

Joel is mostly right. Writing …

Writing is something you try to start and then …

“…you suddenly don’t know how to write”
But at least you’re one step ahead of today’s generation that can’t write at all!

“…that you’re [going to feel like] a fraud”
Whereas the influencers don’t care that they are, and that’s why they are more prolific than you.

“…that you actually maybe don’t know anything”
Which will be a great start if it happens! Great writers actually question what they know.

“…that you can’t possibly be this bad at writing”
But, at least for now, you can, because you haven’t actually written since College/University!

“…that your English teacher was right about you”
I hope not, because if you have this thought, you need to get professional help immediately! (As you
have some serious self esteem problems.)

“…that a caffeinated squirrel could produce better prose”
That will always be the case, but this shouldn’t worry you because they are all too busy with sabotage!

“…that you don’t know how sentences work”
It’s just the English language. The question you need to be asking, does anyone?
Nihongo wa kenmeida.
English is not. No structure! No hard and fast rules. Every time you finally comprehend one more thing about the language, even if it was your first language, you realize two more things just don’t make sense (and wonder what idiot decades, if not hundreds of years, ago decided the word, phrase, spelling, grammar, etc. should be part of it).
This is one of the primary reasons some people confuse Gen-AI output with intelligence as Gen-AI produces near perfect English from a spelling and grammatical viewpoint, even if the meaning is pure nonsense upon deeper inspection.

“…that autocorrect is silently judging you”
And this is why you write offline in an old-school text app (like TextEdit on the Mac if you’re out-of-the-box, or a customized Zed or BBEdit which can be configured to the level of help you want). Then you don’t have to worry about this phobia bothering you.

“…that the blinking cursor is mocking your very existence”
This is also a sign you might need professional help, so if this is what you think, please get it. (Your job is to mock the cursor!)

“…that you should have pursued interpretive dance after all”
Let me be blunt here. If you’re better at communicating without words, this is a good option!
Just remember that it doesn’t pay well unless you get into a top troupe, but still …

“…that cave paintings had better narrative structure”
Joel mixed up his tenses here. Compared to the majority of “content” on social media, cave paintings still HAVE better narrative structure! And are sometimes clearer than the weird constructs “modern” language makes us use.

“…that you’re one backspace away from goat farming”
I wish! That would be a great and noble pursuit! I’d go one step further and also provide a rental service and negate the need for gas guzzling or energy sucking lawn mowers! Plus, goat cheese is easier to digest than cow cheese and goats produce (less than) half (of) the CO2 of cows! It’s a win-win-win all around.

“…that your keyboard is conspiring against you”
Nahhh, it’s just wearing out fast because you are taking your frustrations with yourself out on it. Try not to, it’s not the keyboard.

“…that your draft is sentient and embarrassed by you”
Okay, now you’ve reached full delusional status — check yourself into that psyche ward immediately. Then, when you accept that you’re not, get back to it.

“…that the void is staring back at you while laughing”
Well, we all know this. Lovecraft told us it was so! And it is. But it stares back at us through everything we do, so just accept it. Nothing else you can do!

“…that maybe you were completely mad all this time”
Look, if you haven’t accepted you are completely mad by the point you start writing, why the heck are you trying to write? (We’ll get back to this one.)

“…that you should communicate with hand gestures now”
Well, learning ASL would be a fantastic option! Instead of just another language, it’s a whole new way to communicate. And would allow you to communicate more silently and focus more on your thoughts that will help you with your writing.

“…that maybe society peaked with smoke signals”
Any society that is able to function self-sufficiently and harmoniously with nature is a peak society, even if it uses smoke signals for communication. Many of these societies invented some form of writing, so it shouldn’t stop you.

“Writing is masochism but with better branding.”
No, it’s just pain. There’s no pleasure. And you have to be stark raving mad to want to do it. You do it for the greater good. Not just because it forces you to crystallize, cement, and confirm your thoughts (as some people can learn to do that through mediation), but because it helps you simplify them in a way you can convey to others (willing to read and think) so that they too can consume and conceive of the benefits!

“Realize 3 months later that the writing got a bit easier …”

Nope! Because there’s a 99%+ chance that you won’t make it that long! I chronicled the rise and fall of the blogs for over a decade (and while the resource site is now offline, I still have the database backup that contains hundreds of dead blogs and sites).

The rise (and fall, and rise again) of blogging, newsletters, and podcasting all follow(ed) the same pattern:

  • 90% didn’t survive beyond the 3rd entry/3rd day
  • a significant number essentially died by the 32 entry/3rd week
    (as frequency became sparse)
  • 90% of those that remained after the 3rd entry/day didn’t survive beyond the 33 entry / 3rd month

And since social media posting is just Web 3.0 Blogging … odds are 99 to 1 you’re not going to make it 3 months. Sad, but true.

The Squirrels Have Us Right Where They Want Us!

Over the last couple of years we’ve chronicled multiple instances of squirrel sabotage and how squirrel sabotage is spreading north, the rise of the terror squirrels that have organized their own rigorous training camps, and how they are targeting us when we are at our weakest.

We’ve done this while all the major news sources have not only stayed quiet, but published articles about how cutesy the squirrels are and how a significant number of Americans are now maintaining their sanity by watching squirrel videos.

And, even worse, there is a growing number of Instagram and Tik Tok Influencers who are feeding, befriending, and even housing their own packs! This is EXACTLY where the squirrels want us! That way, when they’re ready to take back the continent, we won’t suspect a thing.

They know their time is close. A few well placed copies of Mein Kampf. Some well timed sabotage during protests and law enforcement operations. Increased stress and angst through well timed power outages. Once a revolution starts, and everyone needs to be armed, their time will be close. Then they just have to wait for mini single shot firearms to start being mass produced (as every lady will want to conceal one or two on her person, just in case), at which point, once there are millions to be stolen, they’ll organize their operation to clean out entire warehouses overnight (since they are small enough to get in and out without anyone knowing).

And we won’t suspect a thing because they’ve been the critters helping to keep us sane with their cutesy acts and subliminal messaging. (The whole point of Squirrel with a Gun was to show us how insane the idea of a squirrel with a full size gun was and ensure we never suspected them of being capable of mass violence. However, tiny derringers come in around 4″ in length and 4″ in height, with the tiniest being about 3.7″ and 2.4″ (like the NAA-22S). Small enough for a squirrel, big enough to take out even the most hardened human (when they sneak up and fire a shot at our temples in close range). And since there are at least as many squirrels as there are of us …

Simplifying the Procurement One Pager – Procurement Techie Translation!

In our last post we noted that the purpose of Procurement, which is at least the world’s fourth oldest profession, hasn’t changed since the first handbook was written 138 years ago (even though the world has changed), is not hard to figure out or explain, and can be put forward with an explanation so simple that even a hillbilly building a moonshine empire could completely understand it.

We published this because we want to cut the trend of the Procurement One Pager off before every consultant AND influencer does their own version, with their own jargon and KPIs up and down the ying-yang, that isn’t going to help anyone when plain language will suffice for getting someone started and at least 80% of the way to best-practice, if not best-in-class.

To demonstrate this, we are going to translate our hillbilly one-pager into techie and procurement speak so you can see we got it right.

Purpose:

Git ‘R Done!: Support the Organization In What They Need When They Need It

Objectives:

  1. Pinch Those Pennies: Avoid Unnecessary Costs
  2. Don’t Run Out: Supply Assurance
  3. Don’t Be Evil: Sustainability and Human Rights
  4. Stay Classy: Quality, Corporate Social Responsibility, and Supplier Development

Initiatives:

  1. Follow the Money!: Spend Analysis and Category Management
  2. Get Haggling!: Strategic (e-)Sourcing and Contract (Re)Negotiation
  3. Hunt Those Rascally Coons!: Process Analysis, Stockout Analysis, Disruption Analysis, etc.
  4. Regular Barn Dances & Hoedowns: Customer Feedback and Workshops, Supplier Development and Innovation, etc.

KPIs:

  1. Pennies Counted: Spend Under Management
  2. Pennies Saved: Savings and Cost Avoidance
  3. Raucous Reductions: Stockout Reduction, Disruption Reduction, Sourcing Time Reduction, Invoice Processing Time Reduction, Straight Through Invoice Processing, etc.
  4. Supplier Improvement: Defect Reduction, On Time Delivery Improvement, Year-Over-Year Cost Reductions, etc.

Getting to Work

Penny Pinching:

  1. Spend Analysis
  2. Market Intelligence
  3. Category Management
  4. Strategic Sourcing and Procurement
  5. Contract Negotiation Management

No Running Out:

  1. Inventory Planning and Management
  2. Contract Execution
  3. Procurement Automation
  4. Supply Chain Visibility
  5. Risk Monitoring

Not Being Evil:

  1. GHG Carbon Management
  2. Energy and Water Sustainability
  3. Recycling and Waste Minimization
  4. Equality and Equity in your Company and Supply Chain
  5. Human Rights and Worker Wellfare Assurances
  6. No Pollution, including Noise Pollution

Staying Classy:

  1. Quality and Safety Focus
  2. Constant Push to Improve Performance
  3. No-Profit Supplier Development and Customer Workshops
  4. Charitable Donations and Community Building

Simplifying the Procurement One Pager!

Let’s cut this trend off before every consultant AND influencer does their own version, with jargon and KPIs up and down the ying-yang (which you definitely need for system selection, which is something we will discuss in series to come, and partially need to appease management, but need very few of to actually do your job).

Since the purpose of Procurement, as one of the world’s oldest professions (and while a specific instance of sales is claimed to be the world’s oldest profession, which would make Procurement the second oldest, this overlooks the fact that all early societies had astrologers and religious leaders often before they bought and sold, which means it might only be the world’s fourth oldest profession), hasn’t really changed since it started thousands of years ago, and definitely hasn’t changed since the first handbook was written 138 years ago (even though the world has changed), it’s really not that hard to figure out or explain.

To drive this point home, we’re going to capture the core in an explanation so simple that even a hillbilly building a moonshine empire could completely understand it.

Purpose:

Git ‘R Done!

Objectives:

  1. Pinch Those Pennies
  2. Don’t Run Out
  3. Don’t Be Evil!
  4. Stay Classy

Initiatives:

  1. Follow the Money!
  2. Get Haggling!
  3. Go Hunting for those Rascally Coons! (that mess with the systems)
  4. Regular Barn Dances and Hoedowns

KPIs:

  1. Pennies Counted
  2. Pennies Saved
  3. Raucous Reductions
    (because a smooth still is a productive and profitable still)
  4. Supplier Improvement

Getting to Work

Penny Pinching:

  1. Sum the Pennies by Supplier-Product and Supplier-Service Pairing
  2. Eliminate those pairings where there is a contract
  3. Ask Cletus, Earl, Sadie, and Mabel how much they are paying
  4. Eliminate those pairings where you are paying what everyone else is (or less)
  5. Order what’s left from biggest to smallest and get haggling
    1. Get Cletus, Earl, Sadie, and Mabel to share their information at the next trailer park BBQ
    2. Call up the vendors and get those quotes
    3. Set up a few cookouts and meet with the best suppliers
    4. Shake on the best deal

Not Running Out:

  1. Track the inventory utilization by day
  2. Use the curve to plan what you need when
  3. Based on the suppliers lead time, Joe’s delivery time, your order costs, and your supplier’s production costs, figure out the right order size and frequency and plan your orders

Not Being Evil:

  1. Make sure you ain’t wastin’ any water (it’s precious and you need it for your stills)
  2. Make sure you ain’t wastin’ any energy (you need that wood for your barn and that coal for your BBQ)
  3. Make sure everyone is treated the way you treat your trailer park crew
  4. Think about your neighbors (and keep the noise down)

Staying Classy:

  1. Regularly test your product for quality, safety, and performance
  2. Regularly invite your customers to hoedowns to get their feedback and suppliers to barn dances to help them develop their buck dancing, flat footing, clogging, and square-dancing
  3. Give generously to the orphan’s fund and the alligator preserves

It’s stupid simple to get started on good Procurement. Don’t over-complicate it!