Category Archives: humour

9 Signs You Were FORCED To Negotiate

Tom Mills, author of Procure Bites, recently gave us 9 signs you were born to negotiate. Now, since, as we said before, some of you are still in organizations where Purchasing is still treated as an old-school function, and run by old-school die hards who still think it’s the (19)80’s, might be wondering where it came from because that’s not the negotiating behaviour you’re used to seeing in your Procurement team who act like they are wild west gunslingers who win or lose the deal at the poker table. (They are The Good, The Bad, and The Wealthy like their sales peers, after all.)

Tom’s profile might be the profile of a Procurement negotiation professional you want to see, but if your Procurement organization is still the Island of Misfit Toys, that’s not the profile you have. This post is for you, and describes the lead buyer in your Purchasing department that was put there because they didn’t belong (or want to be) anywyere else, and, for one reason or another, the organization can’t (or won’t) get rid of them just yet.

Enjoy!

RFP Fantasy

You can thank Joël Collin-Demers and his “magical end state” fantasy for this one!

To the tune of Rock And Roll Fantasy.

Here come the jesters, one, two, three
They’re all party to my RFP
I love the process and I love to woo the crowd
Promising the volumes with a reality shroud, yeah, yeah

Here come the vendors one by one
Your boss’ callin’ but you’re having fun
You find you’re swayin’ to the number 3 pitch
Ignore the risk assessor and make a product switch

It’s all part of your RFP fantasy, yeah
It’s all part of your RFP dream, yeah

It’s all part of your RFP fantasy
It’s all part of your RFP dream, yeah

Focus the spotlights, no one spared
Then comes the bidding, until prices pared
The reps desperate, you can hear them beg
Don’t want to pay much for a big goose egg

It’s all part of your RFP fantasy, yeah
It’s all part of your RFP dream, yeah

It’s all part of your RFP fantasy
It’s all part of your RFP dream, yeah

Fantasy!

Never forget that, in Procurement, you’re always in Bad Company.

8 Signs You Were Forced Into Purchasing

Tom Mills, author of Procure Bites, recently gave us 8 signs you were meant for Procurement, which left some of you, in organizations where Purchasing is still treated as an old school function, and run by old-school die-hards who still think its the (19)80s, wondering where it came from because that’s NOT the personality profile you’re used to seeing.

Although Tom’s profile is the profile you want to see in Procurement, if your Procurement organization is still the Island of Misfit Toys, that’s not the profile you have. This post is for you and describes your Purchasing department where everyone there was put there because they didn’t belong (or want to be) anywhere else, and for one reason or another the organization can’t (or won’t) get rid of them just yet.

Enjoy!


 

The Office Of Procurement

In a dark office basement
Stale air all around
Dank smell of old HVAC
Rising up from the ground
Up the stairs in the distance
I see a shimmering light
My eyes grow heavy and my sight grows dim
I have to stop for the night

Then she stands in the doorway
I hear the mission bell
And I am thinking to myself
This could be heaven or this could be hell
Then she lights up a candle
And she shows me the way
There are voices in the sub-basement
I think I hear them say

Welcome to the Office of Procurement
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Where we fall from grace
Plenty of room in the Office of Procurement
Any time of year (any time of year)
You can find me here

My mind is cost-savings-twisted
Can’t buy the Mercedes-Benz, uh
Sales got a lot of pretty, pretty toys
I work weekends
How they spend without limits
It just blows my mind
While they spend in excess
I have to count the dimes!

So I called up the the Vendor
“Can you spare me some yield”
He said, “We haven’t had those margins here since
Woodstock claimed the field”
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Office of Procurement
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Where we fall from grace
They’re livin’ it up at the Office of Procurement
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

LED Lights on the ceiling
The Prosecco on ice
And they say, “We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device”
And in the master’s chambers
We gather for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the staircase back
To the place I was before
“Relax”, said the Big Boss
“We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave“

(That Vendor Rep) He Ain’t Pretty …

A verbal commentary on the current state of SaaS …

I wore two hats, I was pounding the sand
And on the weekend in a rock & roll band
One Monday aft in the office board room
In walked a rep who looked like Max Headroom

He stared at me and it was scaring me off
He said he worked for the vendor on top
I heard a voice inside me say
He ain’t pretty he just looks that way

We made a date for demo round two
I wore my jeans and he wore a suit
There was this misconception all over town
That he sold software savings by the pound

He said “Buy my app, there won’t be no fuss”
I said “Why? you haven’t shown me cost-plus”
Watching him leave I heard his grunt-in-tow say
“He ain’t pretty he just looks that way”

So, I called his office, the admin was there
Said “He’s busy, he can’t come to the phone”
I held my breath, decided to wait
A guy like me needs to set some things straight

I got stuck with the sales rep from hell
Didn’t take much time for my hormones to tell
Letting him in has been a grave mistake
He ain’t pretty he just looks that way

His ego wrote cheques incredibly fast
But the software he sold wouldn’t save us the cash
I laughed out loud to my total dismay
He ain’t pretty he just looks that way
He ain’t pretty he just looks that way

He ain’t pretty
He ain’t pretty
He ain’t pretty
He ain’t pretty he just looks that way