Yesterday, in Ariba Headquarters in Sunnyvale, California. Thaddeus Plotz and Chicken Boo are in the boardroom, looking rather serious. It’s empty but for a vase of flowers on the table. The intercom is turned on.

Mary Hartless	The intercom crackles. The ‘Ribas are here to see you sir.
Thaddeus Plotz	Send them in.
Mary Hartless	Right away sir.

The boardroom door opens. Ralph T. Guard escorts the ‘Ribas in, closes the door, and takes a seat.

Yakko	Nice to see ya, Thads!
Wakko	And look, Chicken Boo’s here too!
Dot	Aw, shucks. You got me flowers. You didn’t have to.
Wakko	Is there any balony? I’m hungry.
Thaddeus	Take a seat, please.
Yakko.	Okay! Yakko takes a chair, proceeds to dismantle it, and starts sticking the pieces in his pocket.
Thaddeus	Just SIT Down, please! Ralph grabs a chair leg as he starts to scowl, even more so than usual.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	Okay, boss! The Riba’s sit down.
Thaddeus	That’s what I need to talk to you about.
Dot	You’re not giving us a new boss again, are you?
Yakko	Not that we don’t appreciate your kindness …
Wakko	But the last one only lasted a week!
Thaddeus	No …
Dot	Then we’re finally getting …
Yakko & Wakko	A Promotion!
Thaddeus	No … not quite … but you can think of it as an advancement if you like.
Dot	Really?
Thaddeus	Yes. An advancement in your career.
Yakko	And how are we advancing if we’re not getting promoted.
Thaddeus	Chicken Boo, as the newest chief on our executive team, the honor of telling them befalls you.
Chicken Boo	B’-kawk?
Thaddeus	Yes, Chicken Boo – it’s your job. They are part of what is now your department.
Chicken Boo	Bok. Bokko, Bawko, Bok … B’k bawk-ko bwwk bwkk-kah bok bokko bok.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	What?!?!?
Chicken Boo	B’k bawk-ko bwwk bwkk-kah bok bokko bok.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	You’re letting us go? Thaddeus!
Thaddeus	Yes?
Dot	You’re …
Yakko	… letting us …
Wakko	go?
Thaddeus	Well, someone has to go. We have two people for every job now. Chicken Boo feels that the team he has in mind will serve the needs of the new company quite well. We’ve discussed it at length and I agree that this is the right decision. You’ve been here a long time. I think it’s best for everyone if you moved on.
Ralph	Does this … does this mean that … ?
Thaddeus	Yes, Ralph. The ‘Ribas are no longer your responsibility.
Ralph	But does that mean … that I’m … I’m … ?
Thaddeus	No, Ralph. We’re not letting you go. In fact, we’d like you to head up the new security organization responsible for standardizing security across all of our sites.
Ralph	An expression of pure joy, the likes of which you’ve never seen, appears on Ralph’s face, along with a grin that you once thought could only appear on the cheshire cat, as he leaps six feet into the air and proceeds to do a triple pirouette. Thank you sir! Thank you very much! Can I start right away?
Thaddeus	Yes you may, Ralph.
Ralph	Thank you again sir. Ralph dances towards the door, singing. Free at last. Free at last. Never thought I’d see the day. Where I’m free at last!
	The ‘Ribas are looking very solemn.
Yakko	But where will we go?
Dot	And what will we do?
Wakko	And we really like it here … really, really like it here; the balony sandwiches are by far the best I’ve ever had!
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	And we don’t know anything else!
Thaddeus	That’s why you need to move on. For your own sakes. Right, Chicken Boo?
Chicken Boo	Bwk-ka!
Thaddeus	Don’t fret. We’re sure you’ll do fine. And to give you lots of time to find the perfect fit, we’re doubling the standard severance package in your case. Happy New Year! Thaddeus gets up and starts walking toward the door.
Chicken Boo	Bok-ke bok bawk! Chicken Boo gets up and follows Thaddeus.

The ‘Ribas are alone. They are, for once, silent. Time passes. They just stare at each other. First a minute. Then another minute. Then another minute. Before you know it, almost thirty minutes have passed.

Dot	So …
Wakko	… so …
Yakko	… so … We Move On!
Dot	But Where?
Wakko	And how do we get there.
Yakko	Doesn’t matter. We’ll go.
Wakko	But will they have baloney?
Yakko	Doesn’t matter. We have money now. We can buy our own.
Wakko	Great! I’m still hungry.
Dot	You’re always hungry.
Wakko	I’m sorry.
Yakko	Don’t be sorry! They should be sorry! They’re losing the best team they ever had!
Dot	Then why did they let us go?
Yakko	Because now that they have Chicken Boo and his team, they’re cocky.
Wakko	Cocky’s here? Here boy! Here boy! Cocky is Wakko’s favorite stray cocker spaniel.
Yakko	No Wakko, they’re cocky. Completely whack-o.
Wakko	But I’m Wakko.
Yakko	Yes … but they’re … never mind. Anyway …
Dot	What we do now …
Yakko	Yes, what we do now. And what we do now is march out that door and take on the sourcing world!
Dot	But what if no one’s hiring?
Yakko	Then we’ll consult.
Wakko	And if they don’t want us?
Yakko	Then we’ll become analysts!
Dot	And if the analyst firms are not hiring either?
Yakko	Then we’ll blog. We’ll make it, whatever it takes. So let’s go!

Yakko, Wakko and Dot march out of the boardroom, down many flights of stairs, and out through the main lobby, heads held high. They stop on the front lawn.

Wakko	This feels weird.
Yakko	But we’ve run across this lawn thousands of times over the last eleven years or so.
Wakko	Yes … but Ralph’s usually chasing us by now!
Dot	I’m going to miss Ralph!
Wakko	Me too!
Yakko	So am I. But I think I’ll like this new freedom.
Dot	So which direction?
Yakko	North sounds good.
Wakko	And who do we start with?
Yakko	I say we start with Aravo and work our way through the sourcing alphabet … all the way to Zycus if necessary!
Dot	That could take a while!
Yakko	Yes, it could.
Wakko	So let’s do it with a song in our hearts!

The ‘Riba’s start marching northward. Their song fills the air.

Yakko	We’re off to see Aravo The wizards of 2Sustain
Wakko	We have lots of gustavo Far as we can ascertain
Dot	And if they fail to hire us Then we’ll find a Bearing Point
Yakko	Where we can unleash our suss As we tear on through the joint
Dot	And if we find them lacking Then maybe we’ll go Compiere
Yakko	It’s the time to get cracking
Wakko	And get that expensive ERP outta-there
Dot	And if we happen to get passed over We can always leave the valley
Yakko	Head out east toward the landlocked border And take a shot at Denali
Wakko	And if we have some time that’s free Take a trip to good old Burlington
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	It would be nice if we could see Our friends Pinky and the Brain again
Yakko	Then head down south to Tampa Bay
Wakko	Where the dolphins are known to play
Dot	Investigate the marketplace At Enporion’s Florida base
Wakko	Then take a trip to the midwest
Yakko	To the great lakes on the border
Dot	And have a chat with Fi-eldGlass Help them get their temps in order
Wakko	Then down south to Colorado
Dot	Where the rockies line the sky
Yakko	See if Global Data Mining
Wakko	Would like to trade a piece of pie
Dot	If not, we could try Hyperion
Wakko	Dysfunctional dashboard king
Yakko	But didn’t they sell to Oracle?
Dot	You’re right – they did for more bling
Dot	We could try i2, they’re still around
Wakko	Head down to Dallas, and try our luck
Yakko	The “Supply Chain Results Company” They’re trying to get out of the ruck
Yakko	Or JP Morgan Chase Vastera Who acquired a company called Xign
Wakko	To take payments for Aloe Vera Or bottles of Great Northern Ice Wine
Dot	And if that fails, there’s Ketera
Yakko	We could plant them on firm terra
Dot	Use our knowledge to help them grow
Yakko	And beat Ariba, toe-to-toe
Yakko	Then we could take a little break
Wakko	And go swimming in a lake
Dot	For when it comes to “L” you see There’s just not much Logility
Yakko	Then we can go for Martini’s
Wakko	Which go quite well with linguini’s
Yakko	Or get ourselves some MPower
Wakko	With M&M’s on the hour
Dot	Then on to contacts with Nextance
Yakko	Or should we now say Versata
Wakko	To navigate this expanse
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	We’ll need a longer sonata
Wakko	And when we’re done with our cheese gratings
Dot	We can be off to Open Ratings
Yakko	Now the heart of D&B culture They’re the classic market risk vulture
Dot	And then on to Perfect Commerce
Yakko	Just acquired by Europe’s Cormine
Dot	Who made them all Euro converts when they gave them more borrowed time
Yakko	And let’s not forget about Quadrem
Dot	Whatever it is that they do
Wakko	They are headquartered in the Netherlands Not far from Europe’s human zoo
Dot	Or set sights on Rearden Commerce
Wakko	Travel agent to the execs
Yakko	Book your whole trip in just one verse Using regression of y on x
Wakko	Then if we don’t want to be SAPs
Dot	We can go for a little SAS
Yakko	Or if we’re in the contract trap Selectica off of the pass
Dot	And if we knew our TrueDemand
Yakko	Then we wouldn’t have to be roaming
Wakko	Stocking shelves would be quite grand As long as we weren’t in Wyoming
Yakko	We could head north and look for Upside
Dot	But I’m afraid of polar bears
Wakko	And drowning in the world’s highest tides
Dot	Besides it’s much too cold up there
Wakko	There’s always standby Vertical Net
Yakko	Which was just acquired by Bravo Solution
Dot	Flush with cash, they just might make it yet
Yakko	If they can cut through the media pollution
Yakko	Maybe we should tackle finance And give WorkDay a fighting chance
Dot	Everyone needs an ERP It’s on-demand, no IT dance
Yakko	And if we want to manage vendors In all of their glorious splendors
Dot	Down to Xcitec we could shuffle
Wakko	And see what feathers we could ruffle
Dot	Then we’ll take another rest Almost through the alphabet
Wakko	A through Z is lots of work But our duties we will not shirk
Yakko	If all else fails then we will tread To where we’ll find a dollar spread
Dot	To Zycus with their bubble charts
Wakko	They’ll decorate our racing carts!
Yakko	From A to Z, we’ll try them all
Wakko	Whether they are big or small
Dot	And if we reach the very end
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	Then we will start over again
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot	Happy New Year!

“GPO”^*1
by Dot and the ‘Riba Brothers

Dot
Little GPO, you’re really lookin’ fine
Three staplers and a printer only $389!
Loadin’ up the shoppin’ cart in the e-checkout line
C’mon and fill it up, check it out, get it now, GPO

Wakko and Yakko
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(ah, little G-P-O)

Dot
You oughta see it on your system on the LCD
This little modified network has got plenty for thee
She beats the punch-outs and the catalogues, its our guarantee
Just read the fine print, exemptions, legal tint, GPO

Wakko and Yakko
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(ah, little G-P-O)

Dot
Time to save all your money and buy a GPO
Indeminity and some IT and you’ll be ready to go
Roll it out to your buyers and let ’em know
That it’s the only game in town
Little buddy, gonna lock you down
When you turn it on, let it loose, start to buy, GPO

Wakko and Yakko
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(yeah yeah, little GPO)
Wo wo, wo wo wo wo wo
(ah, little G-P-O)

Stuck in Procurement with Ariba Lite^*2
by Ralph T. Guard^*3

Doctor^*4, every day I have to source some stuff
Doctor, listen to me, tell me it’s not slough
First I’m goin’ shoppin on Ariba Lite
Then all of a sudden things aren’t quite right
I search for thongs and everybody gets a fright
Undies and flip flops are displayed in plain site

Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain’t heard nothing yet
Next comes the part that I won’t ever forget
Now I’m being coerced by some Chinese spies
To buy some toothpaste and a box of dies
Suddenly I’m locked out from buying office supplies
I click a wrong link and that’s when I realize

I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
Day after day and night after night

Not right!

Doctor, won’t you tell me, am I going insane
Was it something they did or something wrong with my brain
See I’m surfin’ the web when I find a great deal
Want to buy, but my hands have been tied to the wheel
Stuck in fourth gear in a runaway automobile
Drivin in circles forever on a roulette wheel

I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
Day after day and night after night

And I can’t bust out and I can’t break free
And its getting just a little too stuffy here for me
And I can’t go home and I can’t get loose
And I try to escape but it’s just no use

And I can’t ever leave and I can’t ever win
And I’m runnin’ out of air and the walls are closin’ in
And I can’t go back and I can’t get through
But Ariba since you’re here, why don’t you let me buy a six-shot from you

Come on Ariba, come on!

Ow, ’cause

Doctor, every day I think I’m losing my mind
That’s right, I even think that I’m being maligned
See, I’m coming here from work but I just can’t forget
I’m half an hour late and covered in sweat
Tried to buy a rope but Ariba wouldn’t let
me fill up the shopping cart unless I agreed to debt

I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
Day after day and night after night

I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
Stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
D-d-d-day after day and night after night

Then I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
(ya-ya ya-ya, ya-ya, ya, ya-ya)
I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
Day after day and night after night

Then I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite
(ya-ya ya-ya, ya-ya, ya, ya-ya)
I’m stuck in procurement with Ariba Lite

^*1 To the tune of “GTO” by Ronny and the Daytonas
^*2 To the tune of “Stuck in a Closet with Vanna White” by Weird Al Yankovic
^*3Ralph has the miserable job of trying to keep the sourcing maniacs in check. Given his limited intelligence, and the multiple concussions he has received from anvils and other heavy objects being dropped on his head, he tends to be rather unsuccessful. As a result, he has become rather reclusive, as his outlook on life has become quite dark, and that’s why we don’t hear from him very much.
^*4Dr. Otto Scratchansniff

 

Ariba’s [acquired by SAP] buying Procuri [acquired by Ariba]! The gorilla-marketing vultures of Emptoris [acquired by IBM, sunset in 2017] are trying to capitalize on it! And I promised last week’s extended edition would be my final post on the subject – but it seems that some of my readers are a lot more foolish than I expected! Thus, for those of you who had the misfortune of missing my last two posts, or enjoyed them so much that you yearn to read them again, I am (re)posting a longer, Ultimate Edition, version below with new and extended scenes!

---

Opening: The ‘Riba brothers and sister are on center stage, the Goodfeathers behind them off to the viewer’s left, and Pinky & the Brain behind them off to the viewer’s right. Rita, Runt, Slappy, Skippy, Minerva, Flavio, Marita, Chicken Boo, and Katie Ka-Boom are at the back, behind the ‘Riba brothers and sisters.

[Everyone]	It’s time for sourcing-maniacs And we’re zany to the max So just sit back and relax You’ll laugh ’til you collapse We’re sourcing-maniacs!
[Wakko & Yakko]	Come join the ‘Riba Brothers
[Dot]	And the ‘Riba Sister, Dot
[Wakko, Yakko, & Dot]	Just for fun we run around the corp’rate parking lot They lock us in the boardroom whenever we get caught But we break loose and then vamoose And now you know the plot!
[Everyone but Wakko, Yakko, & Dot]	We’re sourcing-maniacs! Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While accountants pay the tax We’re sourcing-maniacs!
[Everyone but Pinky & the Brain]	There’s Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the sourcing-verse
[Everyone but the Goodfeathers]	Goodfeathers flock together;
[Everyone but Slappy]	Slappy whacks ’em with her purse
[Everyone but Rita & Runt]	Rita lectures Runt,
[Everyone but Minerva]	Minvera sings a verse
[Everyone]	The writer flipped; we have no script Why bother to rehearse?
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing-maniacs! We have pay-to-play contracts We’re zany to the max
[Yakko]	There’s baloney in our slacks
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing-manie, Totally insaney, Dollars-in-the-brainy, Sourcing-maniacs.
[Dot]	These are the facts!

Prologue: The hallways of Procuri head office, late last summer. Chicken Boo, Flavio and Marita bump into each other.

Marita\:	I hear the investors are getting ants-in-their-feathers again!
Flavio:	Yes, I believe they are. What do you think, Mr. Boo?
Chicken Boo:	Bwoookk!
Marita:	Yes, I agree, Mr. Boo. I think they really do want to sell us!
Flavio:	Why? We’re getting more customers everyday. We’re making money. If we keep growing, we stand a good chance of going public in a couple of years! Everyone’s talking about us … and you too Mr. Boo!
Chicken Boo:	Bawwk?
Marita:	I agree. I think it’s foolish. But this company was started back in the boom. Seven years ago. Back when there was the promise of going public or being bought in two or three years. And our investors aren’t known for their patience.
Flavio:	I know … but just a few more years and I think we could go public and make them a fortune. Don’t you agree, Mr. Boo.
Chicken Boo:	Bok!
Marita:	But maybe we’ll be bought by someone who really wants our technology! With deeper pockets! And a rooftop garden! Downtown, even!
Flavio:	And maybe we’ll be bought by someone who only wants our customer base and wants to see us eliminated! We could be back in the pasture before we know it! Don’t you agree Mr. Boo?
Chicken Boo:	Bok.
Marita:	Well, maybe you’re right. I hope they decide to keep us.
Flavio:	So do I.
Chicken Boo:	BOK!
Marita:	I wonder if there’s anything we could do to convince them to keep us?
Flavio:	I don’t know. But publicity is always good. Maybe you should go on another speaking tour Mr. Boo.
Chicken Boo:	BAAWWKK!

Scene 1: Rita and Runt are wandering the streets of San Francisco down by the Embarcadero in their search for a new home late last fall. It’s night, and they are going unnoticed.

A breeze blows a page onto Runt’s nose. Runt reads the first line.

Runt:	“MasterCard, Ariba Partner for Corporate, Purchasing Card Programs”. Rita, what’s Ariba?
Rita:	Ariba is a big software company down in the valley, Runt.
Runt:	Software, what’s software?
Rita:	You know what a computer is, don’t you?
Runt:	A big box that makes pictures like a TV, right?
Rita:	That’s right. And software is what makes it make pictures. But a computer can do more than that, Runt.
Runt:	Really, like what?
Rita:	Some people use it to send letters …
Runt:	How do they get the paper in there?
Rita:	Not real letters, e-letters!
Runt:	e-letters, you mean they make letters out of E’s? How do they do that?
Rita:	No, no, silly. Electronic-letters. The letters are sent using signals between computers, kinda like the signals that are sent from TV stations to TVs, that are interpreted by the software and displayed as written words.
Runt:	That’s neat.
Rita:	Yes it is Runt. Yes it is.
Runt:	So what else do people use these computers for?
Rita:	Some people use them in the home to write e-letters, search for information, listen to music, and watch videos. But some people use them at work to do their jobs.
Runt:	Really?
Rita:	Yes, and Ariba makes software that some people use in their jobs to buy things their company needs.
Runt:	So, they’re partnering with Mastercard means they’re doing good, right?
Rita:	Maybe. Why do you ask?
Runt:	Wondering if they could give us a home.
Rita:	Well, they’re a company Runt. Companies don’t generally keep pets, the people who work at them do.
Runt:	But if they’re doing good, then that would mean the people working at them would be doing good … and be happy. Maybe happy enough to give us a home, right?
Rita:	Maybe, but remember how I told you that people measure a company’s performance based on its stock price.
Runt:	D’uh, yeah.
Rita:	Well, their stock price hasn’t been doing very good. It’s a little better than it was a year ago at this time, but it was almost twice as much two years ago.
Runt:	So, our chances of finding a home there aren’t very good.
Rita:	I don’t know, Runt. I don’t know. We could wander down to Sunnyvale and see for ourselves though. It’s getting cold at nights in the city now.
Runt:	Sunnydale? SUNNYDALE! I thought you said it was in the valley! I don’t want to go to Sunnydale! I’m scared of vampires!
Rita:	Not Sunny-Dale, Sunny-Vale! And you’ve been watching too much shop-window TV again, haven’t you Runt?
Runt:	Maybe.
Rita:	Well, remember when I told you not everything you see or hear on TV is true.
Runt:	Yes.
Rita:	Well, that was a fictional program. It was a story made to entertain people.
Runt:	Oh! But it was scary!
Rita:	Some people like to be scared, Runt.
Runt:	I know. But I don’t like to be scared.
Rita:	I know, Runt. But let’s wander down to Sunnyvale and see what’s happening. Okay?
Runt:	Okay.
Rita:	Time for a song?
Runt:	Sure!

[Rita and Runt]	Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Off to Sunnyvale we go!
[Runt:]	We’ll chase our tails!
[Rita:]	And wear our veils!
[Rita and Runt]	Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
[Rita and Runt]	We’ll walk along the ‘Fornia coast
[Rita:]	Search the trash cans for a roast
[Runt:]	Try not to run into a ghost
[Rita and Runt]	Sing the songs that we like most Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
[Rita and Runt]	We’ll find Ariba, yes we will Maybe it’s beyond that hill It would be nice just to stay still And find a place to eat our fill Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!

Scene 2: The ‘Riba brothers and sister Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are running around the Ariba Parking Lot with fireworks, champagne shooters, and a big bag of confetti early last fall. They are being chased by building security.

Yakko:	We’re free! Yakko sets off a firework.
Wakko:	Heh-heh! You’ll never catch me! Wakko’s tossing confetti everywhere!
Dot:	I’m gonna take the caddy for a spin! Dot sets off a couple of champagne shooters.
Yakko:	We can go the beach!
Wakko:	And eat a fuzzy peach!
Dot:	And party until the tide comes in!
Yakko:	But we better be quick!
Wakko:	‘Cause here comes Bob and his big night stick!
Dot:	And I’m sure Doug isn’t far behind!
Yakko:	If they catch us, the fun will end!
Wakko:	And we’ll be forced to work all weekend!
Dot:	And I’ve had enough of the daily grind!
Yakko:	I want the nineties back!
Wakko:	Where we could spend the day drinking margaritas on our back!
Dot:	And still make more green than we could carry!
Yakko:	Maybe they’ll come again.
Wakko:	Even though we don’t know when.
Dot:	Uh-oh! Here comes Gary!
Yakko:	Quick! To the right!
Wakko:	They won’t catch us tonight!
Dot:	And we’ll party like it’s 1999!

Scene 3: The Ariba Executive Suite. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are sitting solemn and anxious around a big table late last year.

Yakko:	Our stock price is dropping!
Wakko:	Our profits in danger of stopping!
Dot:	And our boss is very unhappy with us.
Yakko:	We need a new idea.
Wakko:	But we’ve already tried IKEA!
Dot:	And that kid who used to ride the spiffy short bus!
Yakko:	If we don’t do something fast …
Wakko:	We might run out of gas …
Dot:	Or at least champagne shooters!
Yakko:	We need to make innovation!
Wakko:	We need to take back the sourcing nation!
Dot:	We need to go to … Hooters!
Yakko:	Yes, those are lovely owls!
Wakko:	Lets give them our towels!
Dot:	And then order in Chinese.
Yakko:	I’m a bit grumbly …
Wakko:	And I’m a bit humbly …
Dot:	And I like to swing in the breeze!
Yakko:	Maybe we should get some fresh air!
Wakko:	The air is stale around my chair!
Dot:	And our food is at the door!
Yakko:	I’ll pay for it!
Wakko:	Pay … that’s it … we need to pay for it!
Dot:	What do we have to pay for?
Yakko:	Something .. we’re here for something …
Wakko:	That’s right … something …
Dot:	Yes … we need … to raise … profits!
Yakko:	But we have no ideas …
Wakko:	And we can’t sell IKEA …
Dot:	And the big guy’s taking fits …
Yakko:	So why don’t we just buy some!
Wakko:	Yes, it will be so much fun!
Dot:	And we might even get some cash out of it too!
Yakko:	But we have lots of software …
Wakko:	Yes! It’s right over there …
Dot:	And we’ve even got a network to woo!
Yakko:	But we don’t have every single buyer!
Wakko:	It could be because our prices are higher!
Dot:	Or because our competition has more SaaS!
Yakko:	So let’s just buy ’em!
Wakko:	Then we’ll have show’d ’em!
Dot:	With a good swift boot to the *ss!
Yakko:	We’ll get all the revenues!
Wakko:	In all the glorious green hues!
Dot:	And maybe even the mid-market too!
Yakko:	So, who do we buy?
Wakko:	Who’s on-demand with the biggest slice of pie?
Dot:	Covered in anchovie stew!
Yakko:	I know! Procuri!
Wakko:	They’re always in a hurry!
Dot:	To take deals away!
Yakko:	And I hear they might be for sale.
Wakko:	And not as expensive as a whale!
Dot:	And they come with a free toupee!
Yakko:	So lets make a deal!
Wakko:	And spin the big wheel!
Dot:	And let fortune smile upon us!
Yakko:	Then we’ll have the buyers!
Wakko:	And our revenues will be higher!
Dot:	And our boss will finally give us the short bus!

Interlude 1: Lights shift to Minerva on Stage Right. She starts to sing.

	Ariba’s got the blues So they’re making an offer To buy out competition With coins from the coffer
	It’s the same old story Innovate or buy Reclaim lost glory A bigger slice of pie

Scene 4: The Procuri Boardroom … a few months ago. The Goodfeathers have just entered.

Squit:	As far back as I can remember …
Pesto:	Do you think you amuse me with your rambling? Do You!
Bobby:	You talkin’ to me? YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
Squit:	I’m not talkin’ to you!
Pesto:	Dat’s it! Thwok! (Pesto conks Squit.) Now why are we here?
Bobby:	We have to make a decision.
Squit:	Are we gonna off someone? Are we? Are we?
Pesto:	I hope so! I want to cap some ‘caps!
Bobby:	No … we’re not capping anyone. We’re here to talk about a deal.
Squit:	Why?
Pesto:	I still want to pop off a few!
Bobby:	Guys! Guys! We’re not in that business anymore! Remember! Those days are behind us! Way behind us! Over a decade ago. Well before Procuri.
Squit:	I know, I know. But I’m bored.
Pesto:	And I’m anxious!
Bobby:	Yes … so let’s get down to business.
Squit:	What are we here for today?
Pesto:	The usual briefings?
Bobby:	No, someone made us an offer.
Squit:	An offer?
Pesto:	An offer?
Bobby:	Yes, an offer … for Procuri.
Squit:	How much?
Pesto:	How soon?
Bobby:	A fairly large amount … in the near future.
Squit:	What’s the multiple?
Pesto:	Is it what we’d hoped for?
Bobby:	Not what we’d hope for … but not bad either. I think we should consider it. We’ve been in this particular game a long time … and I think it’s time that we move on.

Interlude 2: Lights shift to Rita on Stage Left. She starts to sing.

	The offer’s been accepted The goodfeathers have their recompense But have shareholders been sedated? And what comes next?
	How will industry react? What will competitors do? Will anyone take notice? Will it turn into a media zoo?

Scene 5: The Emptoris Marketing Cage … late Wednesday night. Pinky & the Brain are thinking.

Pinky:	Gee, Brain. Ariba’s buying Procuri! Narf! What do we do? Zort?
Brain:	The same thing we do every night, try to take over the (sourcing) world!
Pinky:	Zoink! But how are we going to do that, Brain? Ariba just hit a home run? Right? Blip!
Brain:	FUD!
Pinky:	Fud? FUD? Yeah! What’s FUD?
Brain:	Fear! Uncertainty! Doubt! We’re going to convince them that Chicken Little was right! That the sky is falling!
Pinky:	The sky’s falling? THE SKY’S FALLING!!! HELP!
Brain:	Yes, that’s the general idea!
Pinky:	We have to take cover! Narf! COVER! Zort! SMACK! (Brain smacks Pinky) That smarts! WhatchaDoThatFor, Brain?! Zoink!
Brain:	You idiot! The sky’s not falling. We’re just going to convince the dimwitted masses that the sky is falling.
Pinky:	So they’ll buy metal umbrellas? I’ve always wanted a shiny metallic umbrella, Brain! Can I have one? Please? Oh Please? Please? THWOP! (Brain bops Pinky upside the head.) Oww! Owowowowow!
Brain:	No dipstick! We want them to think that the rug is being pulled out from under them!
Pinky:	… but that sounds scary, Brain!
Brain:	Yes! And that’s the point! We want them to think that their applications, support, and service are going to disappear over night! They’ll be terrified … and looking for a better answer.
Pinky:	An answer? I’d like one of those!
Brain:	Yes … and we’ll be that answer! We’ll bombard the media! The only other name they’ll see is ours! We’ll pack it with reassuring messages that only we have an integrated solution! That only we are pure! That only we can support them without a hitch for as long as they need us! And …
Pinky:	And …
Brain:	That only we’ll give them credit for investments they’ve made in our competitors … that only we will give them up to a year free!
Pinky:	I like Free!
Brain:	Yes … everyone likes free … but it won’t be … It Won’t Be …
Pinky:	So we’ll be – what do you call it … bending the truth again — just like our “one” product is really Zeborg, Intigma, ValueEdge, MindFlow, Dicarta … Thwap! Clonk!
Brain:	I told you to never speak of that again!
Pinky:	Sorry!
Brain:	But it will work! It will work! The sheep will panic and run to us! We’ll let them in and count their dollars one million by one million by one million!
Pinky:	And then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world? Narf!
Brain:	Yes Pinky, then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world!

Scene 6: The Willow Garden of the Sheraton Sunnyvale Hotel. It is mid-morning a couple of days after the announcement. The ‘Riba brothers and ‘Riba sister are giving a press conference. Katie Ka-Boom, Minerva, Skippy Squirrel, Rita and Runt, among others, are in attendance.

Yakko:	Ladies and gentlemen …
Wakko:	Boys and girls …
Dot:	Cats and their dogs …
Yakko:	We’re pleased to announce …
Wakko:	That we’re ready to pounce …
Dot:	And acquire Procuri!
Yakko:	We’re not in a hurry …
Wakko:	Despite all the flurry …
Dot:	That seems to have inured.
Yakko:	But we’ll try to wrap it up quick.
Wakko:	No need to chase after us with a stick!
Dot:	So our customers will feel secured.
Katie Ka-Boom:	Katie Ka-Boom. ABC Research. Can you tell us what your plans are?
Yakko:	Our plans our quite naive.
Wakko:	To help our customers save,
Dot:	And meet their every need!
Yakko:	To offer them technology that’s the best.
Wakko:	And do it with zest!
Dot:	And internet speed!
Yakko:	That’s why we always aspire
Wakko:	to continually acquire
Dot:	technology in the lead!
Yakko:	So that we can provide
Wakko:	on demand solutions that will guide
Dot:	you to the savings you need!
	That’s not an answer! mutters Katie under her breath as she starts to frown.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot:	Next question please!
Skippy Squirrel:	Skippy Squirrel. Cost Concerns. Was this a move to eliminate a competitor and acquire a desirable client base or a move to acquire a true multi-tenant on-demand technology that many perceive as much better than the ASP offering you currently provide?
Yakko:	That’s a very good query!
Wakko:	And let us assure you that we’re not leary …
Dot:	of providing an explanation.
Yakko:	Our goal was to envelop
Wakko:	a solution we could develop
Dot:	into a realization
Yakko:	of our dream of serving
Wakko:	while simultaneously preserving
Dot:	an expanded customer base!
Yakko:	We wanted to consolidate
Wakko:	solutions in the market-place
Dot:	into one solid business case.
	And they say I’m nuts! runs through Skippy’s mind as he tries to understand what was just said.
Katie Ka-Boom:	So, basically you’re trying to eliminate the competition while also extending the technology footprint that you have available to you.
Yakko:	We’re not trying to eliminate …
Wakko:	merely consolidate …
Dot:	for the benefit of our customers today.
Yakko:	To make their lives easy.
Wakko:	Like daises in the breezie.
Dot:	On a warm summer’s day.
Yakko:	We’re really trying to merge
Wakko:	technologies on the verge
Dot:	to give our customers the edge.
Yakko:	So they can break through the barrier
Wakko:	and find more savings than a yorkshire terrier
Dot:	without the need for a sledge!
	What kind of fool do they take me for? grumbles Katie under her breath as her face turns bright red.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot:	Next question please!
Skippy Squirrel:	It’s fairly common knowledge that your stock price hasn’t been anything to write home about lately and that, like many technology stocks, it’s pretty far from it’s all time high, and less than half of what it was even five years ago. And although your earnings have been fairly steady as of late, they haven’t really been growing. What effect do you have this acquisition to have on your revenues, profits, and stock price?
Yakko:	This wasn’t just about money!
Wakko:	We’re doing fine!
Dot:	Here, have some more wine!
Yakko:	It’s about doing what’s best for the customer.
Wakko:	And meeting all of their needs.
Dot:	And tying together all of their data feeds.
Yakko:	Since we built it,
Wakko:	they will come,
Dot:	and everything will be great!
Yakko:	Shareholders will be content.
Wakko:	They’ll say it’s money well spent.
Dot:	So why not have another slice of cake?
	I’m definitely not the nutty one here! runs through Skippy’s mind as he tries to keep his eyes from rolling back into his head.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot:	Next question please!
Katie Ka-Boom:	So, you’re going to support both solutions then?
Yakko:	We’re going to do what’s right!
Wakko:	Every day and every night!
Dot:	That’s what our customers want!
Yakko:	We’re going to make sure
Wakko:	that the right solutions endure.
Dot:	And that wrong solutions never haunt!
Yakko:	The right solution will be
Wakko:	available to everyone, you see!
Dot:	And we’ll all sleep in beds of roses!
Yakko:	We’ll support them one and all.
Wakko:	Both inside and outside our hallowed hall.
Dot:	Ariba never closes!
Katie Ka-Boom:	THAT’S IT! yells Katie as loud as she can CAN’T YOU GIVE A STRAIGHT ANSWER! as she shakes her fists in the air I’M READY TO EXPLODE!
	BOOM! Katie explodes. The press conference ends.

Scene 7: Back in the Emptoris Marketing Cage, the night of the ‘Riba brothers and ‘Riba sister’s press conference.

Brain:	My plan’s coming together perfectly, Pinky!
Pinky:	That’s great, Brain! Zort! What Plan?
Brain:	My plan to take over the (sourcing) world, you imbecile!
Pinky:	Oh, right! Snarf! And how did that go again?
Brain:	FUD! Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt! THWOP! Brain smacks Pinky upside the head. Pay attention.
Pinky:	Oh, right. And what did we do?
Brain:	Nothing! And that’s the beauty of it! The ‘Ribas did it for us.
Pinky:	How’d they do that, Brain?
Brain:	By not providing any long term plans in that press conference I knew they’d have to hold quickly in response to our brilliant press release, they’re reinforced the fear, uncertainty, and doubt we stirred up with that superbly written press release! Customers will not be able to stop themselves from thinking that there’s no future with Procuri! And maybe even with Ariba for that matter!
Pinky:	Why would they think that, Brain?
Brain:	Because, unlike you dear Pinky, they’re capable of drawing conclusions! And those conclusions will lead them to our doorstep … where we’ll be waiting for them. Soon, all the business will come to us, Pinky. All we have to do is wait.
Pinky:	And then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world? Narf?
Brain:	Yes Pinky, then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world!

Epilogue: Rita and Runt and wondering the streets of sunnyvale in the early evening. They have just turned onto West El Camino, heading east.

Runt:	I get the feeling we won’t be finding a home here in Sunnyvale, Rita.
Rita:	So do I, Runt. So do I.
Runt:	So, what do we do now Rita?
Rita:	We keep on looking, Runt. We keep on looking.
Runt:	Well, at least there were some good eats at that press conference!
Rita:	Yes there were, Runt. Can you believe we found a whole chicken and a whole roast in the trash!
Runt:	No I can’t. I’ll be stuffed for a week. So where do we go next?
Rita:	Maybe we should wander over to San Jose.
Runt:	What’s over there?
Rita:	More software companies. More people. More things to explore.
Runt:	Any of them doing well?
Rita:	I don’t know, but I hear there’s a company there called Ketera.
Runt:	Do they make business software too?
Rita:	Yes they do.
Runt:	Do they hold press conferences too?
Rita:	Yes they do. And they even hold conferences where lots of people gather together.
Runt:	And eat?
Rita:	Usually. And I bet the food there is just as good as it is here!
Runt:	Great! Let’s go!
Rita:	Okay, but I think we should take another road.
Runt:	Why?
Rita:	See that Toys ‘R’ Us sign ahead!
Runt:	Yeah! That’s why I’m headed that way!
Rita:	Well, some say its haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Johnson!
Runt:	I’m scared of ghosts, Rita!
Rita:	I know Runt. That’s why I think we should take a different road. But don’t worry, it’s not very far.
Runt:	That’s good.
Rita:	Another song, Runt?
Runt:	Sure Rita!

[Rita and Runt]	Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Off to San Jose we go!
[Runt:]	We’ll chase our tails!
[Rita:]	And wear our veils!
[Rita and Runt]	Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
[Rita and Runt]	We walked along the ‘Fornia coast
[Rita:]	Searched the trash cans, found our roast
[Runt:]	Manaaged to avoid the ghost
[Rita and Runt]	Sung the songs that we like most Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
[Rita and Runt]	We’ll find a home, oh yes we will Maybe it’s beyond that hill It would be nice just to stay still And find a place to eat our fill Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!

Closing: Everyone assembles as a group on center stage.

[Everyone]	Yes, we’re the sourcing-maniacs And we’re zany to the max We hope you were relaxed And laughed ’til you collapsed We’re sourcing-maniacs!
[Wakko & Yakko]	We’re the ‘Riba Brothers
[Dot]	I’m the ‘Riba Sister, Dot
[Wakko, Yakko, Dot]	Just for fun we ran around the corp’rate parking lot But then got locked in the boardroom after we got caught But we’ll break loose and then vamoose It’s our never-ending plot!
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing maniacs!
[Dot]	I am cute!
[Yakko]	I like to yak
[Wakko]	While Clinton plays the sax
[Brain]	And I’ll collect the tax
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing-maniacs!
[Pinky & Brain]	Tonight we will take over the entire sourcing-verse
[Goodfeathers]	We’ll always stay together
[Slappy]	I’ll always have my purse
[Rita & Runt]	We had lots of fun
[Minerva]	I sang to you a verse
[Everyone]	The writer flipped; we had no script Why bother to rehearse
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing-maniacs! We have pay-to-play contracts We’re zany to the max
[Yakko]	There’s baloney in our slacks
[Everyone]	We’re sourcing-manie, Totally insaney, Dollars-in-the-brainy, Sourcing-maniacs.
[Dot]	Those are the facts!

Exit: Lights shift to Slappy at the back of the stage. She places a big red brick in her red purse.

Slappy:	Hey writer!
Writer:	Yes, Slappy?
Slappy:	I have something to say to you.
Writer:	Yes, Slappy?
Slappy:	Come closer.
Writer:	Okay, Slappy? Thunk! Slappy slaps the writer in the face with her purse. Hard!
Slappy:	That’s for not giving me a part!

---

Stay Foolish!
The Spend Fool

---

P.S. The satirical play above, which captured summaries of the conversations that may have taken place in the Ariba Executive suite before the first offer, the Procuri Boardroom when the offer was seriously being considered, and the Emptoris marketing cage when word was leaked that a tentative agreement was reached, among others, will likely be my last post on the subject. I’m sorry to say that I’m out of cast members – and out of story. Furthermore, I doubt there’ll be any indication of future direction until after the deal finalizes, and, thus, nothing more to write about. But then again, the deal is a bit of a mystery and I think everyone’s favorite mystery solving dog is sniffing around …

This post has been updated in My Thoughts on the Ariba – Procuri – Emptoris Circus: Ultimate Edition. The reader is strongly urged to check out that post instead.

---

Ariba’s [acquired by SAP] buying Procuri [acquired by Ariba]! The gorilla-marketing vultures of Emptoris [acquired by IBM, sunset in 2017] are trying to capitalize on it! It’s so unexciting and uninnovative that I’d rather have Keith Jackson‘s job and stop-watch how long the evaporation and ultra-violet breakdown processes actually take when a thin sheet of latex changes from a liquid to solid state.

That being said, it seems last week’s post on the subject, which captured summaries of the conversations that may have taken place in the Ariba Executive suite before the first offer, the Procuri Boardroom when the offer was seriously being considered, and the Emptoris marketing cage when word was leaked that a tentative agreement was reached, may have been one of my most popular.

Thus, for those of you who missed it, or enjoyed it so much that you yearn to read it again, I am (re)posting an extended version below.

---

Opening: The ‘Riba brothers and sister are on center stage, the Goodfeathers behind them off to the viewer’s left, and Pinky & the Brain behind them off to the viewer’s right. Rita, Runt, Slappy, and Minerva are at the back, behind the ‘Riba brothers and sisters.

[Everyone]
It’s time for sourcing-maniacs
And we’re zany to the max
So just sit back and relax
You’ll laugh ’til you collapse
We’re sourcing-maniacs!

[Wakko & Yakko]
Come join the ‘Riba Brothers
[Dot]
And the ‘Riba Sister, Dot
[Wakko, Yakko, & Dot]
Just for fun we run around the corp’rate parking lot
They lock us in the boardroom whenever we get caught
But we break loose and then vamoose
And now you know the plot!

[Everyone but Wakko, Yakko, & Dot]
We’re sourcing-maniacs!
Dot is cute and Yakko yaks
Wakko packs away the snacks
While accountants pay the tax
We’re sourcing-maniacs!

[Everyone but Pinky & the Brain]
There’s Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the sourcing-verse
[Everyone but the Goodfeathers]
Goodfeathers flock together;
[Everyone but Slappy]
Slappy whacks ’em with her purse
[Everyone but Rita & Runt]
Rita lectures Runt,
[Everyone but Minerva]
Minvera sings a verse
[Everyone]
The writer flipped; we have no script
Why bother to rehearse?

[Everyone]
We’re sourcing-maniacs!
We have pay-to-play contracts
We’re zany to the max
[Yakko]
There’s baloney in our slacks

[Everyone]
We’re sourcing-manie,
Totally insaney,
Dollars-in-the-brainy,
Sourcing-maniacs.

[Dot]
These are the facts!

Prologue: Rita and Runt are wandering the streets of San Francisco down by the Embarcadero in their search for a new home late last fall. It’s night, and they are going unnoticed.

A breeze blows a page onto Runt’s nose. Runt reads the first line.
Runt: “MasterCard, Ariba Partner for Corporate, Purchasing Card Programs”. Rita, what’s Ariba?
Rita: Ariba is a big software company down in Sunnyvale, Runt.
Runt: Software, what’s software?
Rita: You know what a computer is, don’t you?
Runt: A big box that makes pictures like a TV, right?
Rita: That’s right. And software is what makes it make pictures. But a computer can do more than that, Runt.
Runt: Really, like what?
Rita: Some people use it to send letters …
Runt: How do they get the paper in there?
Rita: Not real letters, e-letters!
Runt: e-letters, you mean they make letters out of E’s? How do they do that?
Rita: No, no, silly. Electronic-letters. The letters are sent using signals between computers, kinda like the signals that are sent from TV stations to TVs, that are interpreted by the software and displayed as written words.
Runt: That’s neat.
Rita: Yes it is Runt. Yes it is.
Runt: So what else do people use these computers for?
Rita: Some use them in the home to write e-letters, search for information, listen to music, and watch videos. But some use them at work to do their jobs.
Runt: Really?
Rita: Yes, and Ariba makes software that some people use in their jobs to buy things their company needs.
Runt: So, they’re partnering with Mastercard means they’re doing good, right?
Rita: Maybe. Why do you ask?
Runt: Wondering if they could give us a home.
Rita: Well, they’re a company Runt. Companies don’t generally keep pets, the people who work at them do.
Runt: But if they’re doing good, then that would mean the people working at them would be doing good … and be happy. Maybe happy enough to give us a home, right?
Rita: Maybe, but remember how I told you that people measure a company’s performance based on its stock price.
Runt: D’uh, yeah.
Rita: Well, their stock price hasn’t been doing very good. It’s a little better than it was a year ago at this time, but it was almost twice as much two years ago.
Runt: So, our chances of finding a home there aren’t very good.
Rita: I don’t know, Runt. I don’t know. We could wander down to Sunnyvale and see for ourselves though. It’s getting cold at nights in the city now.

[Rita and Runt]
Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
Off to Sunnyvale we go!
[Runt]
We’ll chase our tails!
[Rita]
And wear our veils!
[Rita and Runt]
Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!

[Rita and Runt]
We’ll walk along the ‘Fornia coast
[Rita]
Search the trash cans for a roast
[Runt]
Try not to run into a ghost
[Rita and Runt]
Sing the songs that we like most
Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!

[Rita and Runt]
We’ll find Ariba, yes we will
Maybe it’s beyond that hill
It would be nice just to stay still
And find a place to eat our fill
Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!

Scene 1: The Ariba Executive Suite. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are sitting solemn and anxious around a big table late last year.

Yakko: Our stock price is dropping!
Wakko: Our profits in danger of stopping!
Dot:   And our boss is very unhappy with us.
Yakko: We need a new idea.
Wakko: But we’ve already tried IKEA!
Dot:    And that kid who used to ride the spiffy short bus!
Yakko: If we don’t do something fast …
Wakko: We might run out of gas …
Dot:    Or at least champagne shooters!
Yakko: We need to make innovation!
Wakko: We need to take back the sourcing nation!
Dot:   We need to go to … Hooters!
Yakko:  Yes, those are lovely owls!
Wakko:  Lets give them our towels!
Dot:    And then order in Chinese.
Yakko:  I’m a bit grumbly …
Wakko:  And I’m a bit humbly …
Dot:    And I like to swing in the breeze!
Yakko:  Maybe we should get some fresh air!
Wakko:  The air is stale around my chair!
Dot:    And our food is at the door!
Yakko:  I’ll pay for it!
Wakko:  Pay … that’s it … we need to pay for it!
Dot:    What do we have to pay for?
Yakko:  Something .. we’re here for something …
Wakko:  That’s right … something …
Dot:    Yes … we need … to raise … profits!
Yakko:  But we have no ideas …
Wakko:  And we can’t sell IKEA …
Dot:    And the big guy’s taking fits …
Yakko:  So why don’t we just buy some!
Wakko:  Yes, it will be so much fun!
Dot:    And we might even get some cash out of it too!
Yakko:  But we have lots of software …
Wakko:  Yes! It’s right over there …
Dot:    And we’ve even got a network to woo!
Yakko:  But we don’t have every single buyer!
Wakko:  It could be because our prices are higher!
Dot:    Or because our competition has more SaaS!
Yakko:  So let’s just buy ’em!
Wakko:  Then we’ll have show’d ’em!
Dot:    With a good swift boot to the *ss!
Yakko:  We’ll get all the revenues!
Wakko:  In all the glorious green hues!
Dot:    And maybe even the mid-market too!
Yakko:  So, who do we buy?
Wakko:  Who’s on-demand with the biggest slice of pie?
Dot:    Covered in anchovie stew!
Yakko:  I know! Procuri!
Wakko:  They’re always in a hurry!
Dot:    To take deals from us!
Yakko:  Then we’ll have the buyers!
Wakko:  And our revenues will be higher!
Dot:    And our boss will finally give us the short bus!

Interlude 1: Lights shift to Minerva on Stage Right. She starts to sing.

Ariba’s got the blues
So they’re making an offer
To buy out competition
With coins from the coffer

It’s the same old story
Innovate or buy
Reclaim lost glory
A bigger slice of pie

Scene 2: The Procuri Boardroom … a few months ago. The Goodfeathers have just entered.

Squit: As far back as I can remember …
Pesto: Do you think you amuse me with your rambling? Do You!
Bobby: You talkin’ to me? YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
Squit: I’m not talkin’ to you!
Pesto: Dat’s it!
Thwok! (Pesto conks Squit.)
Pesto: Now why are we here?
Bobby: We have to make a decision.
Squit: Are we gonna off someone? Are we? Are we?
Pesto: I hope so! I want to cap some ‘caps!
Bobby: No … we’re not capping anyone. We’re here to talk about a deal.
Squit: Why?
Pesto: I still want to pop off a few!
Bobby: Guys! Guys! We’re not in that business anymore! Remember! Those days are behind us! Way behind us! Over a decade ago. Well before Procuri.
Squit: I know, I know. But I’m bored.
Pesto: And I’m anxious!
Bobby: Yes … so let’s get down to business.
Squit: What are we here for today?
Pesto: The usual briefings?
Bobby: No, someone made us an offer.
Squit: An offer?
Pesto: An offer?
Bobby: Yes, an offer … for Procuri.
Squit: How much?
Pesto: How soon?
Bobby: A fairly large amount … in the near future.
Squit: What’s the multiple?
Pesto: Is it what we’d hoped for?
Bobby: Not what we’d hope for … but not bad either. I think we should consider it. We’ve been in this particular game a long time … and I think it’s time that we move on.

Interlude 2: Lights shift to Rita on Stage Left. She starts to sing.

The offer’s been accepted
The goodfeathers have their recompense
But have shareholders been sedated?
And what comes next?

How will industry react?
What will competitors do?
Will anyone take notice?
Will it turn into a media zoo?

Scene 3: The Emptoris Marketing Cage … late Wednesday night. Pinky & the Brain are thinking.

Pinky: Gee, Brain. Ariba’s buying Procuri! Narf! What do we do? Zort?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, try to take over the (sourcing) world!
Pinky: Zoink! But how are we going to do that, Brain? Ariba just hit a home run? Right? Blip!
Brain: FUD!
Pinky: Fud? FUD? Yeah! What’s FUD?
Brain: Fear! Uncertainty! Doubt! We’re going to convince them that Chicken Little was right! That the sky is falling!
Pinky: The sky’s falling? THE SKY’S FALLING!!! HELP!
Brain: Yes, that’s the general idea!
Pinky: We have to take cover! Narf! COVER! Zort!
SMACK!
Pinky! That smarts! WhatchaDothat for, Brain?! Zoink!
Brain: You idiot! The sky’s not falling. We’re just going to convince the dimwitted masses that the sky is falling.
Pinky: So they’ll buy metal umbrellas? I’ve always wanted a shiny metallic umbrella, Brain! Can I have one? Please? Oh Please? Please?
THWOP!
Pinky: Oww! Owowowowow!
Brain: No dipstick! We want them to think that the rug is being pulled out from under them!
Pinky: … but that sounds scary, Brain!
Brain: Yes! And that’s the point! We want them to think that their applications, support, and service are going to disappear over night! They’ll be terrified … and looking for a better answer.
Pinky: An answer? I’d like one of those!
Brain: Yes … and we’ll be that answer! We’ll bombard the media! The only other name they’ll see is ours! We’ll pack it with reassuring messages that only we have an integrated solution! That only we are pure! That only we can support them without a hitch for as long as they need us! And …
Pinky: And …
Brain: That only we’ll give them credit for investments they’ve made in our competitors … that only we will give them up to a year free!
Pinky: I like Free!
Brain: Yes … everyone likes free … but it won’t be … It Won’t Be …
Pinky: So we’ll be – what do you call it … bending the truth again — just like our “one” product is really Zeborg, Intigma, ValueEdge, MindFlow, Dicarta …
Thwap! Clonk!
Brain: I told you to never speak of that again!
Pinky: Sorry!
Brain: But it will work! It will work! The sheep will panic and run to us! We’ll let them in and count their dollars one million by one million by one million!
Pinky: And then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world? Narf!
Brain: Yes Pinky, then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world!

Epilogue: Lights shift to Slappy at the back of the stage. She places a big red brick in her red purse.

Slappy: Hey writer!
Writer: Yes, Slappy?
Slappy: I have something to say to you.
Writer: Yes, Slappy?
Slappy: Come closer.
Writer: Okay, Slappy?
Thunk. Slappy slaps the writer in the face with her purse. Hard!
Slappy: That’s for not giving me a part!

Closing: Everyone assembles as a group on center stage.

[Everyone]
Yes, we’re the sourcing-maniacs
And we’re zany to the max
We hope you were relaxed
And laughed ’til you collapsed
We’re sourcing-maniacs!

[Wakko & Yakko]
We’re the ‘Riba Brothers
[Dot]
I’m the ‘Riba Sister, Dot
[Wakko, Yakko, Dot]
Just for fun we ran around the corp’rate parking lot
But then got locked in the boardroom after we got caught
But we’ll break loose and then vamoose
It’s our never-ending plot!

[Everyone]
We’re sourcing maniacs!
[Dot]
I am cute!
[Yakko]
I like to yak
[Wakko]
While Clinton plays the sax
[Brain]
And I’ll collect the tax
[Everyone]
We’re sourcing-maniacs!

[Pinky & Brain]
Tonight we will take over the entire sourcing-verse
[Goodfeathers]
We’ll always stay together
[Slappy]
I’ll always have my purse
[Rita & Runt]
We had lots of fun
[Minerva]
I sang to you a verse
[Everyone]
The writer flipped; we had no script
Why bother to rehearse

[Everyone]
We’re sourcing-maniacs!
We have pay-to-play contracts
We’re zany to the max
[Yakko]
There’s baloney in our slacks

[Everyone]
We’re sourcing-manie,
Totally insaney,
Dollars-in-the-brainy,
Sourcing-maniacs.

[Dot]
Those are the facts!

---

“The ‘truthiness’ is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news … at you.”
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

---

P.S. The satirical play above is the last post I’m going to make on this subject. If you’re interested in having this relatively uninteresting and uninnovative piece of news analyzed seven ways from Sunday, please look elsewhere. (Not sure where to look? Just Google. Analyses are everywhere!) This blog is about sourcing innovation, not merger, acquisition, and marketing frenzy. At the end of the day it’s what the solution can do for you, and not who owns it that’s important. Have a good weekend.

This post has been updated in My Thoughts on the Ariba – Procuri – Emptoris Circus: Extended Edition . The reader is strongly urged to check out that post instead.

---

Ariba’s [acquired by SAP] buying Procuri [acquired by Ariba]! The gorilla-marketing vultures of Emptoris [acquired by IBM, sunset in 2017] are trying to capitalize on it! It’s so unexciting and uninnovative that I’d rather have Keith Jackson‘s job and stop-watch how long the evaporation and ultra-violet breakdown processes actually take when a thin sheet of latex changes from a liquid to solid state.

But since I’m probably not going to get any peace until I offer my thoughts on the matter, here are summaries of the conversations that I think took place in the Ariba Executive suite before the first offer, the Procuri Boardroom when the offer was seriously being considered, and the Emptoris marketing cage when word leaked that a tentative agreement was reached.

Scene 1: The Ariba Executive Suite. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are sitting solemn and anxious around a big table late last year.

Yakko: Our stock price is dropping!
Wakko: Our profits in danger of stopping!
Dot:   And our boss is very unhappy with us.
Yakko: We need a new idea.
Wakko: But we’ve already tried IKEA!
Dot:    And that kid who used to ride the spiffy short bus!
Yakko: If we don’t do something fast …
Wakko: We might run out of gas …
Dot:    Or at least champagne shooters!
Yakko: We need to make innovation!
Wakko: We need to take back the sourcing nation!
Dot:   We need to go to … Hooters!
Yakko:  Yes, those are lovely owls!
Wakko:  Lets give them our towels!
Dot:    And then order in Chinese.
Yakko:  I’m a bit grumbly …
Wakko:  And I’m a bit humbly …
Dot:    And I like to swing in the breeze!
Yakko:  Maybe we should get some fresh air!
Wakko:  The air is stale around my chair!
Dot:    And our food is at the door!
Yakko:  I’ll pay for it!
Wakko:  Pay … that’s it … we need to pay for it!
Dot:    What do we have to pay for?
Yakko:  Something .. we’re here for something …
Wakko:  That’s right … something …
Dot:    Yes … we need … to raise … profits!
Yakko:  But we have no ideas …
Wakko:  And we can’t sell IKEA …
Dot:    And the big guy’s taking fits …
Yakko:  So why don’t we just buy some!
Wakko:  Yes, it will be so much fun!
Dot:    And we might even get some cash out of it too!
Yakko:  But we have lots of software …
Wakko:  Yes! It’s right over there …
Dot:    And we’ve even got a network to woo!
Yakko:  But we don’t have every single buyer!
Wakko:  It could be because our prices are higher!
Dot:    Or because our competition has more SaaS!
Yakko:  So let’s just buy ’em!
Wakko:  Then we’ll have show’d ’em!
Dot:    With a good swift boot to the *ss!
Yakko:  We’ll get all the revenues!
Wakko:  In all the glorious green hues!
Dot:    And maybe even the mid-market too!
Yakko:  So, who do we buy?
Wakko:  Who’s on-demand with the biggest slice of pie?
Dot:    Covered in anchovie stew!
Yakko:  I know! Procuri!
Wakko:  They’re always in a hurry!
Dot:    To take deals from us!
Yakko:  Then we’ll have the buyers!
Wakko:  And our revenues will be higher!
Dot:    And our boss will finally give us the short bus!

Scene 2: The Procuri Boardroom … a few months ago. The Goodfeathers have just entered.

Squit: As far back as I can remember …
Pesto: Do you think you amuse me with your rambling? Do You!
Bobby: You talkin’ to me? YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
Squit: I’m not talkin’ to you!
Pesto: Dat’s it!
Thwok! (Pesto conks Squit.)
Pesto: Now why are we here?
Bobby: We have to make a decision.
Squit: Are we gonna off someone? Are we? Are we?
Pesto: I hope so! I want to cap some ‘caps!
Bobby: No … we’re not capping anyone. We’re here to talk about a deal.
Squit: Why?
Pesto: I still want to pop off a few!
Bobby: Guys! Guys! We’re not in that business anymore! Remember! Those days are behind us! Way behind us! Over a decade ago. Well before Procuri.
Squit: I know, I know. But I’m bored.
Pesto: And I’m anxious!
Bobby: Yes … so let’s get down to business.
Squit: What are we here for today?
Pesto: The usual briefings?
Bobby: No, someone made us an offer.
Squit: An offer?
Pesto: An offer?
Bobby: Yes, an offer … for Procuri.
Squit: How much?
Pesto: How soon?
Bobby: A fairly large amount … in the near future.
Squit: What’s the multiple?
Pesto: Is it what we’d hoped for?
Bobby: Not what we’d hope for … but not bad either. I think we should consider it. We’ve been in this particular game a long time … and I think it’s time that we move on.

Scene 3: The Emptoris Marketing Cage … late Wednesday night.

Pinky: Gee, Brain. Ariba’s buying Procuri! Narf! What do we do? Zort?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, try to take over the (sourcing) world!
Pinky: Zoink! But how are we going to do that, Brain? Ariba just hit a home run? Right? Blip!
Brain: FUD!
Pinky: Fud? FUD? Yeah! What’s FUD?
Brain: Fear! Uncertainty! Doubt! We’re going to convince them that Chicken Little was right! That the sky is falling!
Pinky: The sky’s falling? THE SKY’S FALLING!!! HELP!
Brain: Yes, that’s the general idea!
Pinky: We have to take cover! Narf! COVER! Zort!
SMACK!
Pinky! That smarts! WhatchaDothat for, Brain?! Zoink!
Brain: You idiot! The sky’s not falling. We’re just going to convince the dimwitted masses that the sky is falling.
Pinky: So they’ll buy metal umbrellas? I’ve always wanted a shiny metallic umbrella, Brain! Can I have one? Please? Oh Please? Please?
THWOP!
Pinky: Oww! Owowowowow!
Brain: No dipstick! We want them to think that the rug is being pulled out from under them!
Pinky: … but that sounds scary, Brain!
Brain: Yes! And that’s the point! We want them to think that their applications, support, and service are going to disappear over night! They’ll be terrified … and looking for a better answer.
Pinky: An answer? I’d like one of those!
Brain: Yes … and we’ll be that answer! We’ll bombard the media! The only other name they’ll see is ours! We’ll pack it with reassuring messages that only we have an integrated solution! That only we are pure! That only we can support them without a hitch for as long as they need us! And …
Pinky: And …
Brain: That only we’ll give them credit for investments they’ve made in our competitors … that only we will give them up to a year free!
Pinky: I like Free!
Brain: Yes … everyone likes free … but it won’t be … It Won’t Be …
Pinky: So we’ll be – what do you call it … bending the truth again — just like our “one” product is really Zeborg, Intigma, ValueEdge, MindFlow, Dicarta …
Thwap! Clonk!
Brain: I told you to never speak of that again!
Pinky: Sorry!
Brain: But it will work! It will work! The sheep will panic and run to us! We’ll let them in and count their dollars one million by one million by one million!
Pinky: And then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world? Narf!
Brain: Yes Pinky, then we’ll rule the (sourcing) world!

---

“The ‘truthiness’ is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news … at you.”
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

---

P.S. The satirical play above is the only post I’m going to make on this subject. If you’re interested in having this relatively uninteresting and uninnovative piece of news analyzed seven ways from Sunday, please look elsewhere. This blog is about sourcing innovation, not merger, acquisition, and marketing frenzy. At the end of the day it’s what the solution can do for you, and not who owns it that’s important. Have a good weekend.