Author Archives: Bozo Clown

Life Lessons from Clown College: II

   

First of all, let me apologize for taking so long to write Part II. I never expected such an overwhelmingly positive response to my previous posts, and it went to my head, and like a writer who wins a National Book Critics Circle Award for their first novel, I developed a severe case of writer’s block because the last thing I want to do is disappoint you. But thanks to some prodding, and the realization that I don’t have to tackle it all at once, I was able to capture three more life lessons that I learned in clown college that I’m sure will help you in your Procurement Career.

  • Learn to Barter (because it’s all funny money in the end)
    Not all purchases should involve exchanges of currency for goods or services. When possible, and especially when the deal is with a strategic supplier or partner, an exchange of goods or services should be considered. For example, if you’re a temporary labor placement agency buying software from a foreign IT company that needs temporary labor in your home country, consider an exchange of services in lieu of paying for support or future upgrades. Not only will this reduce cash-flow requirements in a tight economy, but it protects you from currency exchange risks in countries with unstable currencies undergoing fairly rapid inflation or deflation.
  • Be Cognizant of the Risks
    Those of you who don’t might end up without a job just like Fred ended up without a head. I didn’t know No-Head Fred, but, thanks to him, my entire class knew why you didn’t stick your head in the mouth of a hungry lion who didn’t like you. Fred didn’t understand that a lion could bite your head off and, as a result, didn’t insure that the lion was fed before performing the stick-your-head-in-the-lion’s-mouth trick. However, since the rest of us understood the risk, we always insured that the lion was fed and happy before performing the trick, and we all kept our head. Now that trade is truly global, this is one of the most important lessons for a Procurement Professional. If you’re not cognizant of the risks, you’ll never know when you might lose an entire shipment, or, if you’re not careful, your life. While a short-cut off the coast of Somalia in a shipment from Mumbai to Adan (for example) might seem like a good idea at the time, it won’t seem like such a good idea when Pirates are boarding you. North of Seoul might be the last place you want to build a new plant if North Korea declares war on South Korea. I know the risks aren’t always this big, but they can be, and if you’re not cognizant of them (and do not take the necessary precautions), you could lose your head over them.
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Laugh at Yourself
    Just like the situation gets a little tense in the dressing room when you have a poorly-timed wardrobe malfunction, negotiations in challenging economic times can get so dire that you couldn’t even cut the tension with a knife. In these situations, the only way to break the tension-ice is with a good hearty laugh, but no one is going to laugh unless you laugh at yourself first. In the first situation, the only thing you can do is look down and let out the heartiest laugh you can. In the second, you’ll have to make a slip of the tongue that’s so funny that you can’t help but laugh heartily at yourself. For example, if you were buying ball bearings and you accidentally called them bears’ balls, I’m sure laughter would break out.

I hope you enjoyed these life lessons. Until next time, please join me and eleven of my friends as we take a ride in our clown car.

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Life Lessons from Clown College: I

I received a lot of positive feedback from my first post, and I must admit, it went to my head a little. I never knew I had so much to offer! So I’ve decided that I am going to share some of the many life lessons I learned in Clown College with you over the next few months in hopes that they will help you become a better procurement professional.

  • Be Flexible

    You never know when you’re going to have to share a car with 11 of your best friends, or an office (after your company decides to downsize). You’ll have to get along, even though you’ll all be highly stressed all day long.

  • Practice, Practice, Practice

    Just like it takes a lot of skill to fold a balloon into a little dog in 30 seconds flat, it takes a lot of skill to to source 100,000 units of a specialized manufactured components in 14 days after Engineering tells you the forecasted demand they sent you in the spreadsheet was missing a zero!

  • Make Sure You Have a Safety Net the First Time You Walk the High Wire

    Just like you’re going to fall the first time you try to walk the tight-rope in your big, floppy clown shoes, something is bound to go wrong the first time you try to e-Negotiate a strategic high-dollar category with suppliers who are still in the paper-centric stone ages. Equipment will fail, a key supplier will refuse to participate at the last minute, or someone will make an unsustainably low bid (and scare everyone else away). Make sure you have your “disaster recovery” plans in place before you start. Have someone standing by to take bids over the phone. Have a relationship councillor at the go to calm the supplier’s fears and convince them the e-Negotiation is in their best interest. Make sure that incorrect and unsustainable bids can be quickly withdrawn or rejected by the event administrator. Otherwise, without these safety nets, the event might fall through the proverbial floor.

I hope you enjoyed these life lessons. Until next time, please join me as I lead the honkers in a rousing rendition of Honk Around the Clock!

Everything I Needed to Know About Procurement I Learned at Clown College

When people ask me why I’m so good at Procurement, despite not having a formal degree in business or supply chain or a professional certification such as the CPSM or SPSM, I tell them that I learned everything I needed to know at Clown College. At this point they let out a hearty laugh and walk away, but I swear on the clown’s code of ethics that it’s the honest truth.

People think it’s easy being a clown, but it’s not. It’s very challenging, just like Procurement. And the skills required are quite similar. And while I enjoy the sound of laughter, I would like to dispel the misconception once and for all that all you do at Clown College is clown around. So, in this post, I’m going to tell you the ten most important things I learned in Clown College and how they helped me to excel at Procurement.

  1. Paint Your Face

    As a clown, you need to maintain a consistent mood every second of every minute of every hour of every day. This can be very hard to do. But if you paint on a happy face, you can be happy all the time. And if you paint on a scowl, you can be scowling all the time. You’d be amazed how much this can help in tense negotiations.

  2. Put On Your Big Red Nose

    Just like a clown wears his heritage with pride, a Procurement professional needs to take pride in his, or her, work and let it show.

  3. … and Your Brightly Colored Costume

    One of the biggest keys to success, especially in Procurement which was traditionally relegated to the back room or the basement, is to get noticed. Just like his brightly colored costume helps a clown stand out from the crowd, dressing sharply helps a Procurement professional stand out.

  4. … and Your Big Red Shoes

    You never know when someone is going to try and step on your toes! The extra padding goes a long way to protecting your feet.

  5. … but Stay Light on Your Feet

    as you never know when you’re going to have to dance around an issue or run away from a charging bull. (After all, no matter how good you are, you can’t win every fight!)

  6. Storytelling is an Art Form

    A clown has to engage his audience with a good story, just like a Procurement professional. The ability to tell a good story becomes important when you have to balance the conflicting needs of multiple stakeholders in a major buy but still claim all-around success. It’s especially important when you have to explain to the CFO why you had to pay more to get the reliability required by engineering and the usability desired by the end customer (which is key if Sales is to meet its quota).

  7. Keep Your Hands Sleight

    because sometimes you just have to make magic happen!

  8. Learn How to Take a Hit

    When clowns get together, someone always gets smacked upside the head. Always. The same happens in business whenever something goes wrong, and they almost always try to blame Procurement first. The ultimate key to success is to be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going like nothing ever happened.

  9. Maintain a Good Sense of Humor Through it All

    In life there are ups and downs, but you’ll be able to get through them all if you just maintain a little humor in your heart.

  10. And Learn How to Work as a Team

    as you never know when you’ll have to squeeze into the equivalent of a Volkswagen Beetle with ten of your best buddies in an all-weekend disaster recovery session at an off-site location after a natural disaster took out your primary location.