Now that we know AI will blackmail you and that it is being trained to hack systems and take advantage of zero-day exploits, it won’t be long until the Dark Web enterprises take advantage of it! Expect this to soon be on the Dark Web Forums targeting underpaid Accounts Payable Supervisors and Procurement Managers, if it isn’t already!

From the Felon Roster:

Item #MMM. The Bernie.

No one notices Bernie.

That’s the point.

While others are busy faking meal and hotel receipts in Chat-GPT, Bernie has already altered 14 supplier payment accounts across 14 invoices in a 514 invoice batch where the invoice threshold is just below the auto-pay limit and the supplier account change doesn’t require second approvals for account changes with the same bank in the same region due to the risk profile.

Bernie is the Felon AI employee who will run your organization’s Invoice-to-Pay process better than a Swiss timepiece, at least as far as the CFO is concerned.

That is, if the timepiece could also detect microscopic errors in gear alignment (but still report correct time), maintain two displays (real time and display time), and never need winding or a battery update.

Or, in our case, ensure all invoices 3-way match to the receipt and PO, all suppliers are screened for sanctions, no flags will be raised at any step of the process once an invoice is accepted, and generate a weekly report the CFO will read, be happy with, and not look twice at. Bernie will build trust by flagging (and blocking) duplicate invoices, preventing payments for defective or returned items, and ensuring all organizational policies are followed.

Moreover, Bernie will be SAP, Oracle, and Microsoft’s favourite user, never crash the system, and always clean up after himself.

While the sourcing team closes the deal, Bernie will make it real.

Since Bernie doesn’t complain, escalate, or even take a break, everyone will be happy while Bernie does his work … until you disappear and a detailed investigation is undertaken into the dark depths of multi-system audit-trails.

Bernie works best in 10 Billion+ organizations with standard payment terms of at least 60 days (and a minimum monthly spend of 500M) as he will only have that many days to effect your scheme before suppliers see their invoice as paid (on the last possible day) and start calling up asking where their money is. (There has to be enough volume for Bernie to find the invoices where shifts won’t be noticed and to ensure his fraudulent activity is drowned out by above-board processing.) Since you will be entering a self-imposed exile, you need to ensure that Bernie grifts enough on your behalf in his short window before you go on your permanent vacation (and flee to a country with no extradition treaty).

Since you’ll need to setup a number of fake accounts to receive the funds and then quickly transfer those funds offshore, we recommend that you also employ the following agents from the Felon Roster (on the Dark Cloud, of course).

Item #SPY. The Nelson.

Nelson is an expert at creating fake ids and documents that you can use to help you accomplish your below board activities, like opening a bank account as an officer of a real company that is just a front for your criminal schemes.

Item #WFS. The Red.

Red is an expert in searching public company records and filing registrations for companies with almost the same name as the company you want Bernie to grift so that it won’t look suspicious when the banking information is changed to another account at the same bank with (seemingly) the same company name. (Buying from Sydney Sprockets? Red will create Sydney Sprocket Holdings, or something similar, and then file the necessary forms to make your fake alias the signing authority.)

Item #OBA. The Mary.

Mary, universally loved and trusted, is an expert at automating bank transfers. Mary will monitor the accounts you setup daily and as soon as the ACH or wire hits the account, Mary will automatically transfer most of it (through service payments) to your offshore accounts. (If you setup multiple accounts in different offshore countries, she will ensure the funds are routed through intermediate accounts first to make the funds almost untraceable. If you’re willing to risk a little, she will also automate transfers to and from Bitcoin exchanges to make it even more untraceable.)

With our agents, your plans to defraud your organization out of millions of dollars to make up for the years of underpayment, abuse, and mistreatment you received from your employer are virtually assured and you’re only two months from your dream life in Morocco.

So hire your personal team of felons from the Felon Roster today!