Category Archives: humour

Where Pinky and the Brain (Re)Define Best In Class

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

Pinky Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain Same thing we do every night Pinky – try to take over the Sourcing World!
Pinky How are we going to do that, Brain? Narf?
Brain We’re going to implement another brilliant plan to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world!
Pinky What are we going to market again, Brain?
Brain Our strategy.
Pinky And what is it again?
Brain Don’t make me hit you again, Pinky!
Pinky But …
Brain The cheese, Pinky, the cheese!
Pinky Oh, I remember! Nog! The cheese trade! Yum!
Brain Yes, Pinky, the global cheese trade.
Pinky So, did you managed to recover the hypno-spend thingy?
Brain No, Pinky. It was destroyed.
Pinky So how are we going to take over the sourcing world this time?
Brain I don’t know, Pinky. I don’t know. Give me a few minutes to think.
Brain paces the floor for a few minutes in deep thought. He stops just as a look of evil inspiration crosses his face.
Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Pinky Uh, I think so Brain, but just how are the two of us going to eat the world’s biggest cream cheese banana split all by ourselves? Narf!
Brain No, you imbecile! We are going to define best-in-class!
Pinky Redefine valedictorian?
Brain No, no, Pinky! Best … in … Class. We’re going to define what makes a great company great and take over the analyst mind share. With the recent flood of departures from the analyst firms downtown, the marketplace is just yearning for a new thought leader. We’re going to be that new thought leader! And, it goes without saying, that the thoughts we produce are the thoughts that are addressed by the solutions our company provides.
Pinky Um … er … and how precisely are we going to do that? Nog!
Brain We’re going to start with a simple survey!
Pinky How’s a survey going to make us thought leaders? It’s just a bunch of questions, isn’t it?
Brain Yes, Pinky, but with the right open-ended questions, you can, with a little cunning, present results that will cause the average reader to assume whatever you want them to assume.
Pinky Like a good statistician can use statistics to support whatever position he or she wants?
Brain Something like that, Pinky. But, instead, we surreptitiously confuse correlation with causation, since the average reader can’t tell the difference.
Pinky Syrup! Yum! Are we having pancakes, Brain? Narf!
Brain You twit! Surreptitiously means stealthily, not syrupy!
Pinky Oh. So we’re stealthily going to confuse coronations with castrations, but how are crownings and eunuchs going to help us?
Brain Not coronations and castrations, you fool, correlations and causations. Whereas a causation refers to something that produces an effect, a correlation refers to the tendency of two, or more, attributes, or measurements, to vary together.
For example, let’s say I drop this hammer from our toolbox on your foot.
Pinky Narf! Brain!
Brain Don’t worry, Pinky. I’m just trying to give you a hypothetical example.
Pinky A heretical? Nog! The last time we let one of them in here he jabbered all night long about salv … salv … hand-cream.
Brain Salvation, Pinky and it’s hypothetical, not heretical. Make-believe. May I continue?
Pinky So we’re going to just pretend you’re going to drop that hammer on my foot …
Brain As long as you keep quiet and let me continue. As I was saying, let’s pretend I dropped this hammer from our toolbox on your foot. Chances are, you’d yelp in pain and hop around on your other foot, like an idiot. Am I right?
Pinky Um, yeah, I think so.
Brain Let’s also pretend that the only time you hopped around on one foot yelping in pain is when something heavy was dropped on your foot. Then, by definition, there would be a strong correlation between having something heavy dropped on your foot, yelping in pain, and hopping around on one foot. Right?
Pinky Sure.
Brain However, whereas there are three correlation relations, specifically, the correlation between the hammer drop and the yelp, the correlation between the hammer drop and the hop, and the correlation between the yelp and the hop, there are only two causation relations, and they both go only one way. Specifically, the hammer drop causes the yelp and the hammer drop causes the hop. The yelp does not cause the hop and the hop does not cause the yelp, and, more importantly, the yelp does not cause the hammer drop and the hop does not cause the hammer drop. Following me so far?
Pinky I think so. If you drop the hammer on my foot, and please don’t, I yelp and I hop. And that’s called a causation. However, the relationship between the yelp and hop is simply coral-ation.
Brain Correlation, but that’s close enough. Anyway, let’s say we ask a well thought out series of questions and find out that 89% of best-in-class firms, that have 74% or more of spend under management, have a performance management tool. This is a correlation. But let’s say that, in the report, we state that we found that 89% of best-in-class companies have a performance management tool. It’s very easy to interpret that as a causation, isn’t it?
Pinky Well, I guess it is … but it’s not, right? It’s like the SpendFool said, isn’t it, when he said “did you know that Flavia coffee systems were used at 70% of these firms versus 40% adoption at low-performers? Clearly, using Flavia (winner of the Tweedleman award for worker caffeination) is a key predictor of supply chain excellence“.
Brain Yes, Pinky. It’s just like that. And you’re never to mention it again!
Pinky Why not, Brain? Narf!
Brain Because if people know better, our plan won’t work.
Pinky Oh. So I guess that means we need a survey.
Brain Not just any survey, Pinky. We need the perfect survey!
Pinky And how are we going to come up with the perfect survey?
Brain We’re not! That’s the beauty of this plan.
Pinky I don’t follow.
Brain I’m going to hack Skippy’s computer. If anyone has the perfect survey tucked away for safekeeping, you know it’s going to be Skippy! After all, he’s the most likely to have stumbled upon it in his journalistic (Brain makes finger-quotes) pursuits.
Pinky Are you sure you should be doing that? Nog!
Brain Don’t worry, Pinky. I know what I’m doing. … A-ha!
Pinky Where! Are they going to play “Take On Me”?
Brain Pinky!
Pinky Oh, that was just an expression, wasn’t it?
Brain Yes, Pinky. I think I’ve got it.
Pinky It? Narf!
Brain Yes, Pinky. The perfect survey!
Brain is silent for a few minutes while he begins to read the survey.
Pinky Pinky interrupts.
What’s it say, Brain? What’s it say?
Brain It’s incredible. With what I’ve read so far, it looks like it doesn’t matter what the respondents answer … it’ll still support anything we want it to. Just give me a minute or two to scan it!
Brain pages down to the second page.
All of a sudden the screen goes blank and a message-box pops up. It says “Please enter your password. You have 20 seconds.”
What’s this? No! … No! No! NO!
Pinky What’s wrong, Brain?
Brain A trap-door password trojan! If we don’t enter the right password within twenty seconds, it’s going to wipe the file … and probably the rest of the data on the system – including all of the data and tools I collected to hack Skippy’s system! Quick, Pinky. We might have only one shot at the password! What password would Skippy use?
Pinky Um, er, “stay the course”!
Brain Yes, Pinky! You’re right! Just a second.
Brain enter’s the password. The message changes.
The expression on Brain’s face shifts from relief to disappointed shock!
Pinky What’s wrong, Brain? What’s it say?
Brain It says. “Thank you. I will. Cordially, Skippy”.
Pinky Well, that was certainly thoughtful of him! Why the sad look?
Brain There’s more, Pinky. There’s more.
Pinky More?
Brain Yes. There’s a postscript. “Better luck next time, Brain.” How did Skippy know? HOW DID SKIPPY KNOW?!
Pinky So that means …
Brain It’s gone. It’s all gone. The survey, the information I used to hack the system, the toolkits. It’s all gone. How did Skippy know?
Pinky Know what?
Brain That … that …, oh, never mind. It’s time to return to the marketing cage.
Pinky Why, Brain?
Brain To prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky What are we going to do tomorrow night? Narf!
Brain The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the sourcing world!

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

What Do Object Oriented Programming and Custom GUIs Have To Do With Actionable Data?

Note to the astute reader: This is essentially the same comment that I made in response to Jason Busch’s “It’s Not Just About the Data — It’s About Acting on the Data” post on Spend Matters on Thursday.

I don’t know, but if anyone can tell me, I’d be grateful. The Supply Chain Management Review recently ran an article titled “Supply Chain Measurement: Turning Data Into Action” that, apparently, uses a three step process to help you transition from making measurements to taking actions, which is, of course, the reason you’re measuring in the first place. If the measurements indicate that there is something that can be improved, then you should take action.

The steps are outlined as follows:

  • Understand Interdependencies – Use Themes and Patterns
  • Identify the Tradeoffs and Analyze Root Causes
  • Develop and Prioritize Action Items

I could be wrong, but I thought that patterns were generally used in object oriented design to represent standard relationships and interactions between objects and classes, without specifying the final application objects or classes that will be involved. In addition, I thought that themes were pre-configured graphical user interface customizations that are generally used to customize the look and feel of an operating system or window manager. I don’t see what either of these have to do with supply chain measurements. Furthermore, this looks more like a prescription for modernizing a classic procedural software application into a modern object oriented software application than it does for supply chain improvement. I have to say I’m just a little confused.

The article doesn’t help much. With regard to understanding interdependencies, it says to think of the data as a narrative; your job is to reveal the final story. A narrative? Are we supposed to be writing a work of fiction? Then it says that the data can be sliced into different thematics and that it’s helpful to visually map the metrics to the themes. Are we supposed to be creating works of art?

Then it goes on to say a a successful analysis of themes, interdependencies and tradeoffs reveals is where the levers are in your supply chain. Levers? Where did they come from? Now you have to be a mad scientist too?!?

About the only thing I understood in this article is that supply chains are complex, and that’s why you shouldn’t try to summarize everything about a supply chain in a single, short, article. Because you end up using so many metaphors that, by the end of it, your audience will, like Pinky, be stunned so senseless that all they can do is ask about the metal floors.

Where Pinky and the Brain Devise A Plan To Market Their Strategy

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

Pinky Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain Same thing we do every night Pinky – try to take over the Sourcing World!
Pinky How are we going to do that, Brain? Narf?
Brain Remember last night’s lesson Pinky? Where I explained to you that we are going to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world?
Pinky And what’s our strategy again Brain?
Brain Come here, Pinky.
Pinky OK, Brain.
Brain Closer, Pinky.
Pinky Why Brain? Narf!
Brain Brain jumps up and conks Pinky on the head.
For that!
Pinky What’cha do that for, Brain?
Brain Because last night’s lesson in marketing took ALL night. Even an ADD chimpanzee hyped up on caffeine would remember it. We didn’t even get started on our plan to take over the world!
Pinky What was it about again, Brain?
Brain About marketing our strategy to the Napoleons who also want to take over the sourcing world! They will serve as our lieutenants as I lead us to victory!
Pinky I remember now Brain! Nog!
It was about how the world shares cheese and neapolitan ice cream and that’s why we have to take over the entire sourcing world at once!
Brain Yes, Pinky. If it makes it easier for your little pea-brain to understand, it’s about how the world shares cheese and neapolitan ice cream and that’s why we have to take over the entire sourcing world at once. But now that we’ve settled that, as part of our plan to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world, we need to create content that the Napoleons of tomorrow will want to read. We need to make sure that our first piece of content is really riveting.
Pinky We’re not going to play in the toolbox again, are we Brain? Last time the hammer fell on my foot, it really, really hurt.
Brain No Pinky, we’re not going to play in the toolbox again. We’re going to come up with inspirational content that will draw the Napoleons in like flies to a barn.
Pinky How are we going to do that, Brain?
Brain I’m working on it.
Brain paces the floor for a few minutes in deep thought. He stops just as a look of evil inspiration crosses his face.
Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Pinky I think so, Brain, but I don’t see how hiring Britney as a personal life coach is going to help us with our image problem.
Brain No, you twit! We use the strategy of our biggest competitor, whose name I shall not utter, and find our own analyst or blogger who will write great content for us and then simply usurp that content to create our sourcing world domination web site. Since the central content will come from a trusted and credible source, our new site will be trusted and credible as soon as it launches. The Napoleons will flock to it! They’ll assume that because we too are smart enough to recognize the intelligence of the analyst or blogger, that we too must have intelligent things to say. So they’ll also read the messages we want them to read, and if we craft those messages carefully around the usurped content, a few of these Napoleons will buy in. They’ll spread the message and convince the other Napoleons. Soon we’ll have our own Napoleon army – and the sourcing world will be powerless to stop us!
Pinky But how are we going to do that, Brain? Unlike the competitor whose name you will not utter, who has a much bigger budget than we do, I don’t think we can afford to buy off any bloggers or analysts – except for that firm downtown, but their reputation seems to be fading – and I get the impression that most of the bloggers and analysts with the reputations we’d want don’t really like us very much.
Brain I know, Pinky. Which is why, instead of buying them off, we’re going to confuse them with humility.
Pinky I don’t think that’s going to work, Brain. Some of them are pretty smart! Narf!
Brain It only has to work long enough for them to take a close look at our new hypno-spend tool, Pinky.
Pinky The what?
Brain The hypno-spend tool. It’s our slicked up spend reporting demo tool with a brand new UI that uses pleasing colors, smooth curves, tranquil sound effects, and spinning coins to signal screen changes. When paired with our new demo specialist, whose soothing voice sounds just like Ben Stein, who has extensive training in hypnotism and suggestion, no one can resist our story that automated cleansing is the key to spend analysis.
Pinky But I thought analytics capability was the key to spend analysis, Brain! Narf!
Brain Smack! Brain smacks Pinky upside the head again.
I told you never to say that again!
Pinky I’m sorry, Brain.
Brain As I was saying, five minutes into the demo with our new hypno-spend tool, and they’ll believe the moon is made of green cheese!
Pinky Green Cheese! Yum! Can I have some, Brain?
Brain Pinky, you fool! I was just using a metaphor!
Pinky A metal floor? Like the one in our cage?
Brain No – a metaphor. Where you use a set of words to represent a concept.
Pinky Oh.
Brain Would you like a demo, Pinky!
Pinky Sure Brain.
Brain Pinky, Feast your eyes on the hypno-spend tool!
Dot Oooh! Pretty Colors!
Brain Dot! What are you doing here?
Pinky Dot? Dot! It’s good to see you! It’s been … it’s been …
Brain Years! Dot, what are you doing here?
Dot I came to say hello!
Pinky But didn’t Mr. Plotz forbid you from ever setting foot in this building?
Dot He did. But he also let us go.
Pinky Go where?
Brain She was fired, you twit!
Pinky Set on fire? Gosh! That sounds painful.
Brain No, no, NO, Pinky. She means she doesn’t work there anymore.
Pinky Oh.
Dot Yes, I’m free. Free to find new opportunities. Free to explore the sourcing world! Free to look at applications with such pretty colors!
Brain Do you like it? It’s our new prototype hypno-spend tool.
Dot Hypno-whattie?
Brain Hypno-spend tool. When it’s combined with our master Ben-Stein sound-alike hypnotist, anyone who sits through a five minute demo will believe that automated cleansing is the ultimate key to spend analysis!
Dot Okay. Whatever. I just think it’s pretty. But I think it would be even prettier with swirling pink instead of swirling purple.
Pinky Hey, that’s a great idea, Narf!
Dot Let me fix it for you!
Brain No! Don’t touch that! It’s still a prototype! There’s only two copies – one on the computer and one on the portable hard-drive!
Dot Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing!
Pinky Ooh! That’s sooo pretty!
Dot Just wait until you see … oops!
Brain Oops? What did you do?
Dot Well … you had your keys mapped a little differently than I’m used to … I kinda deleted it!
Brain DOT!
Dot You have a back-up, right?
Brain Of course I have a back-up. Pinky, hand me the back-up.
Pinky The what?
Brain The external hard drive. The shiny metal box I asked you to keep safe.
Pinky Oh, that. Just a sec, Brain. I’ll go get it.
Pinky disappears for a few seconds. He returns with an extra shiny external hard drive.
Here you go, Brain!
Brain Pinky, why does it feel a little bit damp?
Pinky Well, you told me to store it in the safest place I know, and the safest place I know is under my water bowl?
Brain You what?! Don’t you know that water shorts out electronics?
Dot Oh, don’t worry so much big Brain. I’m sure it’s okay.
Pinky Yeah, Brain! Nog! It’s just a little water!
Brain Let’s see it!
Brain hooks up the external hard drive. He hits the power switch. Ka-Boom!
Piinnkkyy!
Pinky Yes, Brain?
Brain It’s time to return to the marketing cage.
Pinky Why, Brain?
Brain To prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky What are we going to do tomorrow night? Narf!
Brain The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the sourcing world!
Good night, Dot.
Dot Good night!

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

The Brain Gives Pinky a Marketing Lesson

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

Pinky Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain Same thing we do every night Pinky – try to take over the Sourcing World!
Pinky How are we going to do that, Brain? Narf?
Brain We’re going to do something different, we’re going to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world!
Pinky And what is our strategy this time, Brain?
Brain I just told you, we’re going to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world.
Pinky I don’t understand Brain. Nog!
Brain Obviously not, Pinky. So let me explain.
Pinky Okay, Brain.
Brain Marketing is a process that enterprises use to try and convince consumers that they want the products or services that they have to offer.
Pinky And how do they do that?
Brain They use advertising to create a positive brand image through mediums that the people they want to buy their products watch or listen to.
Pinky Like when Mr. Cheddam of Australian Cheddam comes on the radio and tells us about how great its golden yellow, rindless block of cheese that combines cheddar and edam is?
Brain Something like that, Pinky.
Pinky And when Mr. Wensleydale describes his lightly pressed and smooth textured offering with a subtle milky flavor that is both clean and refreshing.
Brain Yes, Pinky.
Pinky And when …
Brain YES PINKY! Now let me continue.
Pinky Sorry, Brain. It’s just that I love cheese. So much tastier than these food pellets.
Brain I know Pinky, now pay attention.
Pinky Okay, Brain.
Brain So the goal of marketing is to create brand recognition through advertising on selected mediums. Good marketers do this by trying to create the message that the product or service is what the user wants, at the price point they want it, at a placement that is good for them, using a promotion that appeals to the masses.
Pinky So how are we going to do that, Brain? Narf?
Brain We’re going to post useful content on blogs, sponsor research in our specialty areas using reputable market research companies, and do our best to stimulate discussion amongst people who really know what they’re talking about!
Pinky But didn’t you tell me that the masses were morons and that if our plans didn’t appeal to the loudest commotion demonstrator our plan wouldn’t work? Nog!
Brain That’s lowest common denominator, Pinky – not loudest commotion demonstrator, although that is a good description of the masses we will someday lead – and yes I did. But our goal is not to get our message out to the lowest common denominator, but the intelligent innovators – the leaders of the pack.
Pinky Pack of what, Brain?
Brain The … never mind, Pinky, just never mind.
Pinky Okay, Brain! Narf!
Brain We don’t want clueless morons, we want fearless leaders, who are interested in taking over the sourcing world!
Pinky Why do we want them, Brain?
Brain Because taking over the sourcing world, just like taking over the world, is a lot easier if you have competent lieutenants. Besides, do you want to be doing all the manual labor all the time?
Pinky Uhmmm … no.
Brain Good.
Pinky And why are we trying to take over the sourcing world? I thought you wanted to take over the world?
Brain I do, Pinky. But don’t you remember how I explained that the key to taking over the world is to take over the sourcing world?
Pinky Well, sort of.
Brain One more time, Pinky. The world is global. No one country has all the power. To take over the world, you have to take over all of the major players at once. And what do all of the major players have in common, Pinky?
Pinky Uhmm … cheese production?
Brain No Pinky! NO! NO! NO! They all have supply chains that cross all of their boundaries.
Pinky Supply whats’its?
Brain They all cooperate in global trade.
Pinky But I thought all of the Brain trading cards were destroyed?
Brain No Pinky. They trade goods and service. In terms you can understand, just as Mr. Cheddam of Australia will supply Cheddam to Great Britian, Mr. Wensleydale of Great Britian will supply Wensleydale to Australia. But all of the big cheese makers in all of the big countries participate.
Pinky Got it. Narf!
Brain So, the world is composed of countries that all participate in supply chains that support global trade which is in turn controlled by …
Pinky The Big Cheese Makers?
Brain No Pinky, sourcing professionals. Sourcing, Pinky, Sourcing. And that’s why we have to take over the sourcing world!
Pinky Narf! Okay, Brain! The Sourcing World it is!
Brain That’s right Pinky … so back to our strategy.
Pinky To market our strategy to take over the sourcing world.
Brain Precisely, Pinky. You got it.
Pinky Uhmm … not really. Nog!
Brain So, we’re going to start with the new media – the bloggers who actually post real content and tackle challenging issues.
Pinky But isn’t the point of the web to get as many page-views as possible? And don’t you get more page-views by posting on the popular sites that appeal to the largest cannon debilitaters?
Brain It’s lowest common denominator – and despite all of the hoop-la that most of the web marketers will have you believe, page views are useless!
Pinky But why, Brain?
Brain What good does it do us if a bunch of nitwits who are not interested in taking over the sourcing world click through to our web-site?
Pinky We have a web-site?
Brain Yes, Pinky. It’s part of marketing our strategy to take over the sourcing world.
Pinky Okay … but how come all of the big sites like Google and Yahoo keep telling us that it’s page views that …
Brain Because they’re selling trinkets to morons, you idiot! We’re marketing a strategy to take over the sourcing world!.
Pinky And it’s different because …
Brain Because everyone wants an iPod, Pinky. But not everyone wants to take over the sourcing world!
Pinky But can’t someone want an iPod to listen to while they take over the sourcing world?
Brain That’s not the point, Pinky. We need to appeal to people who are interested in world conquest, not World of Warcraft. We don’t have time to sift through a ton of chaff to find a single grain of wheat — we need the wheat – and just the wheat!
Pinky What’s “chaff,” Brain? Narf!
Brain Precisely, Pinky. Most marketing people can’t tell the difference, either.
Pinky Nog!
Brain So the first thing we need to do is get our message on a leading blog with the targeted audience that we want to reach!
Pinky You mean something like “World Conquest Matters”?
Brain No, Pinky, we aren’t interested in imaginary weapons systems and gossip about who might conquer whom. We need to find out what the next Napoleon is reading!
Pinky Can the next Neopolitan read, Brain?
Brain It’s Napoleon – and of course he can, Pinky! That’s why he’ll be the next Napoleon!
Pinky What does he read?
Brain He reads what every aspiring Napoleon reads: articles about HOW TO TAKE OVER THE SOURCING WORLD!
Pinky But isn’t that a little boring, Brain?
Brain Boring? Just because you have to think a little bit to comprehend the material? That’s not boring. Pinky, I know it might be difficult for you, but for someone who is interested in taking over the sourcing world, it’s intoxicating!
Pinky But will lots and lots of Neopoliticals read it?
Brain It doesn’t matter, Pinky. As long as a few of the Napoleons click through, that’s all we need. Because they are the grains of wheat that we need to help us take over the sourcing world, they’re worth more to us than the tons of chaff that the other sites get.
Pinky What’s “chaff”, Brain?
Brain Precisely, Pinky. Precisely.

Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world

They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!

Happy New Year from the Sourcing Maniacs

Yesterday, in Ariba Headquarters in Sunnyvale, California. Thaddeus Plotz and Chicken Boo are in the boardroom, looking rather serious. It’s empty but for a vase of flowers on the table. The intercom is turned on.

Mary Hartless The intercom crackles.
The ‘Ribas are here to see you sir.
Thaddeus Plotz Send them in.
Mary Hartless Right away sir.

The boardroom door opens. Ralph T. Guard escorts the ‘Ribas in, closes the door, and takes a seat.

Yakko Nice to see ya, Thads!
Wakko And look, Chicken Boo’s here too!
Dot Aw, shucks. You got me flowers. You didn’t have to.
Wakko Is there any balony? I’m hungry.
Thaddeus Take a seat, please.
Yakko. Okay!
Yakko takes a chair, proceeds to dismantle it, and starts sticking the pieces in his pocket.
Thaddeus Just SIT Down, please!
Ralph grabs a chair leg as he starts to scowl, even more so than usual.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Okay, boss!
The Riba’s sit down.
Thaddeus That’s what I need to talk to you about.
Dot You’re not giving us a new boss again, are you?
Yakko Not that we don’t appreciate your kindness …
Wakko But the last one only lasted a week!
Thaddeus No …
Dot Then we’re finally getting …
Yakko & Wakko A Promotion!
Thaddeus No … not quite … but you can think of it as an advancement if you like.
Dot Really?
Thaddeus Yes. An advancement in your career.
Yakko And how are we advancing if we’re not getting promoted.
Thaddeus Chicken Boo, as the newest chief on our executive team, the honor of telling them befalls you.
Chicken Boo B’-kawk?
Thaddeus Yes, Chicken Boo – it’s your job. They are part of what is now your department.
Chicken Boo Bok.
Bokko, Bawko, Bok … B’k bawk-ko bwwk bwkk-kah bok bokko bok.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot What?!?!?
Chicken Boo B’k bawk-ko bwwk bwkk-kah bok bokko bok.
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot You’re letting us go? Thaddeus!
Thaddeus Yes?
Dot You’re …
Yakko … letting us …
Wakko go?
Thaddeus Well, someone has to go. We have two people for every job now. Chicken Boo feels that the team he has in mind will serve the needs of the new company quite well. We’ve discussed it at length and I agree that this is the right decision. You’ve been here a long time. I think it’s best for everyone if you moved on.
Ralph Does this … does this mean that … ?
Thaddeus Yes, Ralph. The ‘Ribas are no longer your responsibility.
Ralph But does that mean … that I’m … I’m … ?
Thaddeus No, Ralph. We’re not letting you go. In fact, we’d like you to head up the new security organization responsible for standardizing security across all of our sites.
Ralph An expression of pure joy, the likes of which you’ve never seen, appears on Ralph’s face, along with a grin that you once thought could only appear on the cheshire cat, as he leaps six feet into the air and proceeds to do a triple pirouette.
Thank you sir! Thank you very much! Can I start right away?
Thaddeus Yes you may, Ralph.
Ralph Thank you again sir.
Ralph dances towards the door, singing.
Free at last. Free at last. Never thought I’d see the day. Where I’m free at last!
  The ‘Ribas are looking very solemn.
Yakko But where will we go?
Dot And what will we do?
Wakko And we really like it here … really, really like it here; the balony sandwiches are by far the best I’ve ever had!
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot And we don’t know anything else!
Thaddeus That’s why you need to move on. For your own sakes. Right, Chicken Boo?
Chicken Boo Bwk-ka!
Thaddeus Don’t fret. We’re sure you’ll do fine. And to give you lots of time to find the perfect fit, we’re doubling the standard severance package in your case. Happy New Year!
Thaddeus gets up and starts walking toward the door.
Chicken Boo Bok-ke bok bawk!
Chicken Boo gets up and follows Thaddeus.

The ‘Ribas are alone. They are, for once, silent. Time passes. They just stare at each other. First a minute. Then another minute. Then another minute. Before you know it, almost thirty minutes have passed.

Dot So …
Wakko … so …
Yakko … so … We Move On!
Dot But Where?
Wakko And how do we get there.
Yakko Doesn’t matter. We’ll go.
Wakko But will they have baloney?
Yakko Doesn’t matter. We have money now. We can buy our own.
Wakko Great! I’m still hungry.
Dot You’re always hungry.
Wakko I’m sorry.
Yakko Don’t be sorry! They should be sorry! They’re losing the best team they ever had!
Dot Then why did they let us go?
Yakko Because now that they have Chicken Boo and his team, they’re cocky.
Wakko Cocky’s here? Here boy! Here boy!
Cocky is Wakko’s favorite stray cocker spaniel.
Yakko No Wakko, they’re cocky. Completely whack-o.
Wakko But I’m Wakko.
Yakko Yes … but they’re … never mind. Anyway …
Dot What we do now …
Yakko Yes, what we do now. And what we do now is march out that door and take on the sourcing world!
Dot But what if no one’s hiring?
Yakko Then we’ll consult.
Wakko And if they don’t want us?
Yakko Then we’ll become analysts!
Dot And if the analyst firms are not hiring either?
Yakko Then we’ll blog. We’ll make it, whatever it takes. So let’s go!

Yakko, Wakko and Dot march out of the boardroom, down many flights of stairs, and out through the main lobby, heads held high. They stop on the front lawn.

Wakko This feels weird.
Yakko But we’ve run across this lawn thousands of times over the last eleven years or so.
Wakko Yes … but Ralph’s usually chasing us by now!
Dot I’m going to miss Ralph!
Wakko Me too!
Yakko So am I. But I think I’ll like this new freedom.
Dot So which direction?
Yakko North sounds good.
Wakko And who do we start with?
Yakko I say we start with Aravo and work our way through the sourcing alphabet … all the way to Zycus if necessary!
Dot That could take a while!
Yakko Yes, it could.
Wakko So let’s do it with a song in our hearts!

The ‘Riba’s start marching northward. Their song fills the air.

Yakko We’re off to see Aravo
The wizards of 2Sustain
Wakko We have lots of gustavo
Far as we can ascertain
 
Dot And if they fail to hire us
Then we’ll find a Bearing Point
Yakko Where we can unleash our suss
As we tear on through the joint
 
Dot And if we find them lacking
Then maybe we’ll go Compiere
Yakko It’s the time to get cracking
Wakko And get that expensive ERP outta-there
 
Dot And if we happen to get passed over
We can always leave the valley
Yakko Head out east toward the landlocked border
And take a shot at Denali
 
Wakko And if we have some time that’s free
Take a trip to good old Burlington
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot It would be nice if we could see
Our friends Pinky and the Brain again
 
Yakko Then head down south to Tampa Bay
Wakko Where the dolphins are known to play
Dot Investigate the marketplace
At Enporion’s Florida base
 
Wakko Then take a trip to the midwest
Yakko To the great lakes on the border
Dot And have a chat with Fi-eldGlass
Help them get their temps in order
 
Wakko Then down south to Colorado
Dot Where the rockies line the sky
Yakko See if Global Data Mining
Wakko Would like to trade a piece of pie
 
Dot If not, we could try Hyperion
Wakko Dysfunctional dashboard king
Yakko But didn’t they sell to Oracle?
Dot You’re right – they did for more bling
 
Dot We could try i2, they’re still around
Wakko Head down to Dallas, and try our luck
Yakko The “Supply Chain Results Company”
They’re trying to get out of the ruck
 
Yakko Or JP Morgan Chase Vastera
Who acquired a company called Xign
Wakko To take payments for Aloe Vera
Or bottles of Great Northern Ice Wine
 
Dot And if that fails, there’s Ketera
Yakko We could plant them on firm terra
Dot Use our knowledge to help them grow
Yakko And beat Ariba, toe-to-toe
 
Yakko Then we could take a little break
Wakko And go swimming in a lake
Dot For when it comes to “L” you see
There’s just not much Logility
 
Yakko Then we can go for Martini’s
Wakko Which go quite well with linguini’s
Yakko Or get ourselves some MPower
Wakko With M&M’s on the hour
 
Dot Then on to contacts with Nextance
Yakko Or should we now say Versata
Wakko To navigate this expanse
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot We’ll need a longer sonata
 
Wakko And when we’re done with our cheese gratings
Dot We can be off to Open Ratings
Yakko Now the heart of D&B culture
They’re the classic market risk vulture
 
Dot And then on to Perfect Commerce
Yakko Just acquired by Europe’s Cormine
Dot Who made them all Euro converts
when they gave them more borrowed time
 
Yakko And let’s not forget about Quadrem
Dot Whatever it is that they do
Wakko They are headquartered in the Netherlands
Not far from Europe’s human zoo
 
Dot Or set sights on Rearden Commerce
Wakko Travel agent to the execs
Yakko Book your whole trip in just one verse
Using regression of y on x
 
Wakko Then if we don’t want to be SAPs
Dot We can go for a little SAS
Yakko Or if we’re in the contract trap
Selectica off of the pass
 
Dot And if we knew our TrueDemand
Yakko Then we wouldn’t have to be roaming
Wakko Stocking shelves would be quite grand
As long as we weren’t in Wyoming
 
Yakko We could head north and look for Upside
Dot But I’m afraid of polar bears
Wakko And drowning in the world’s highest tides
Dot Besides it’s much too cold up there
 
Wakko There’s always standby Vertical Net
Yakko Which was just acquired by Bravo Solution
Dot Flush with cash, they just might make it yet
Yakko If they can cut through the media pollution
 
Yakko Maybe we should tackle finance
And give WorkDay a fighting chance
Dot Everyone needs an ERP
It’s on-demand, no IT dance
 
Yakko And if we want to manage vendors
In all of their glorious splendors
Dot Down to Xcitec we could shuffle
Wakko And see what feathers we could ruffle
 
Dot Then we’ll take another rest
Almost through the alphabet
Wakko A through Z is lots of work
But our duties we will not shirk
 
Yakko If all else fails then we will tread
To where we’ll find a dollar spread
Dot To Zycus with their bubble charts
Wakko They’ll decorate our racing carts!
 
Yakko From A to Z, we’ll try them all
Wakko Whether they are big or small
Dot And if we reach the very end
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Then we will start over again
 
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Happy New Year!