Category Archives: humour

An Ode to Suites …

No matter what you think you’ve done
You’ll find it’s not enough
No matter what you think you know
Buyers have it tough

It’s a given, startup law
Someone’s faster on the draw
No matter where you hide
They’re comin’ after you

Now matter how the race is run
It always ends the same
Your customers abandon you
For a newer SaaS play

You can shake it for a while
Live it up in style
No matter what you do
They’re comin’ after you

Shakedown, breakdown, takedown
Everybody wants into the crowded space
Breakdown, takedown, you’re ousted

Let down, your guard, honey
Just about the time you think that it’s alright
Breakdown, takedown, you’re ousted

This is a town where everyone
Is racing for the top
This is a place where second best
… will never do

It’s O.K. to want to shine
But once you step across that line
No matter where you hide
They’re comin’ after you

Shakedown, breakdown, takedown
Everybody wants into the crowded light
Breakdown, takedown, you’re ousted

Shakedown, breakdown, honey
Just about the time you think that it’s alright
Breakdown, takedown, you’re ousted

Money For Nothing / Silicon Procurement

(the birth of the modern procurement, in song)
(to the tune of Money for Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies by Weird Al Yankovic,
which is to the tune of Money for Nothing by Dire Straits)

Silicon
Silicon

Silicon Procurement

Huh, now look here people
Listen to my story
A little story ’bout a man named Glen
You know something, that poor veteran
They say he barely kept his teammates fed

Now let me tell you, one day he was workin’
Poor Glen was workin’ for some dude
When all of a sudden, from out of nowhere
Well, there can an idea crude

E-Auctions, well, maybe you call it
Yankee or Japanese
He gotta compete with Mr. Ellison
And be in Silicon Procurement

Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin’
Yeah, buddy, you gotta be there
That little mogul built up his value prop
That little mogul became a millionaire

Now everyone said California
Is the place that you oughta be
He gotta package his assets
He got to move to Californ-ee
Palo Alto

e-Auctions
Big savings across the board
Yes!
Look at that, look at that!

Silicon, Silicon, Silicon Procurement
Y’all bid again, hear?
Silicon, Silicon, Silicon Procurement
Silicon, Silicon, Silicon Procurement
Silicon, Silicon, Silicon Procurement

Buying for a Living

Somedays won’t end ever
But no days pass on by,
I’ll be buying here forever,
At least until I die,
Dammed if I source,
Dammed if I don’t
I’m supposed to get a break next week,
you know damn well I won’t.

Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’, livin’ and a-buyin’
I’m taking what they’re giving, ’cause I’m buying for a living

Hey I’m not complaining ’cause someone needs to spend
But beating up the vendor got me feeling fully spent
Hundred dollar cell phone, two hundred shipped
A new budget on Friday, but it’s already stripped

Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’, livin’ and a-buyin’
I’m taking what they’re giving ’cause I’m buying for a living

Whoa, buyin’ for a livin’ whoa, taking what they’re givin’
Whoa, buyin’ for a livin’ whoa, ooh

Sales rep, marketer, customer service
CEO, PR rep, account manager
Working the trade shows, they’re really all the same
Selling goods, creating need, just another day

Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’ (Buyin’)
Buyin’ for a livin’, livin’ and a-buyin’
I’m taking what they’re giving ’cause I’m buying for a living.

Buyin’ for a livin’, livin’ and Buyin’
I’m taking what they’re giving ’cause I’m Buying for a living.

Twas the Night Before Auction

Originally published December 24, 2009.

Twas the night before Auction, when all through the plant,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an ant.
The bid sheets were placed by the display with care,
In hopes that a new award soon would be theirs.

The workers were waiting for news from afar,
While visions of bonuses danced in the stars.
The boss with his black tie, and I with my Dior,
Had just readied our guns for a long bidding war

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the roof! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Goods, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the smoke-stack St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Goods he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Restocking the warehouse, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
Happy Auction to all, and to all a good-night!”