Category Archives: humour

Where Are My Marbles?

This is the third post in the continuing saga of the doctor and the quest to get his marbles back from the Twitter Bird. Part I and Part II are still archived on the site.

I’ve looked way up high
on the top of the CN Tower
And I’ve looked way down low
in the depths of Sarma
I’ve looked into
a Raven’s maw
And in a hipster’s ‘fro
(what does that do for karma?)

I’ve looked near
just outside the door
I’ve looked far
in the Serengeti
I’ve even looked here
under the mounds of paper on my desk
And I still don’t know where the heck they are
(am I starting to sound petty?)

I’ve looked on land
where it’s nice and dry
I’ve looked in the sea
where it’s oh so very wet
I’ve even asked the band
(who only work 10-2-midnite)
Where they could be
(but have received no answer yet)

I’ve run to the hills
(on the advice of the Iron Maiden)
And rushed to the valley
(of the ancient kings)
I’ve checked all the mills
(and some still make paper, you know)
And even asked O’malley
(down in the alley, improving his swing)

No luck have I had
even though I have tried
No trace have I found
outside or inside
Of anything smooth
shiny, or clear
Or anything round
like my marbles, so dear.

Damn you TwitterBird!
Give Me Back My Marbles!

Epilogue

Quoth the TwitterBird, Never!

I Am The Infotainer

I am the infotainer
and I know just where I ebb
Another social blogger
on another social web
Today I am your favourite
I may have earned your likes
But I know the rag, you’ll forget my tag
And I won’t be here in another year
If I don’t maintain the spikes

I am the infotainer
and I’ve had to pay my price
The sites I did not join at first
Now make me post it twice
Ah, but still they come to taunt me
Still they want their say
So I’ve learned to blog with an eye on the log
I let ’em scrawl my wall and I follow ’em all
Then they go their merry way

I am the infotainer
Read all around the world
I’ve graced all kinds of forums
And blogged about the squirrels
I can’t remember topics
I don’t remember tags
Ah, but what the hell
You know it’s just as well
‘Cause after a week and a thousand tweets
It all becomes the same

I am the infotainer
I bring along my pen
I’d like to write a page or two
But you can’t wait ’til then
And I’ve got to meet expenses
I got to stay in line
Gotta place those ads for new brake-pads
and online gaming and picture hanging
So I just don’t have the time

I am the infotainer
I’ve come to speak my mind
You’ve read my latest blog post
It’s part of my timeline
It took me days to write it
They were the best days of my life
It was a beautiful piece
But you found it obese
If you’re gonna get a tweet
You have to make it neat
So you cut it down to one-three-five

I am the infotainer
The idol of my age
I don’t make any money
When I become the sage
and post with the Technoratti
and the LinkedIn messiahs
If I miss a day, I’ll fade away
I’ll drop off of the page like I had the phage
Like another pariah

I am the infotainer
and I know just where I ebb
Another social blogger
on another social web
Today I am your favourite
I may have earned your likes
But I know the rag, you’ll forget my tag
And I won’t be here in another year
If I don’t maintain the spikes

I Still Can’t Find My Marbles … But I’m Sure I Know Who Hid Them!

Twitter Bird A few years ago:

Follow Me! Follow Me!
Who are you?
I’m the Twitter Bird!
What’s a Twitter Bird?
It doesn’t matter. Follow me! Follow me!
Whatever. Have a nice day.

A couple of years ago:

Follow Me! Follow Me!
Back again little bird?
Follow Me! Follow Me!
You’re persistent, aren’t you. But I’m not much of a ornithologist.
Who cares? Follow Me! Follow me! Everyone else is!
I find it hard to believe everyone is following a little thrush. You’re cute, but not worth much more than a passing glance.
Follow me! Follow me! Join millions of people around the world.
Millions of people? I think you flew into a patio glass door a little too hard.
Celebrities. Scientists. CEOs. They all follow me. Twitter.com Follow me! Follow me!
Okay, I’ll check you out.

…

Let’s see. A centralized website for sending 140-character blurbs to hundreds, and even thousands, of friends and “followers”. Mass SMS, or, for those of us who are UNIX, a web-based write command that has been around in UNIX operating systems in one form or another since at least 1969! Potentially useful for getting quick messages out, but so is e-mail and SMS. Possibly useful for consumer goods companies wanting to send quick product announcements or, more likely, quick “special of the day” announcements to consumers (if they will actually follow the company) and for gossip-mongers. (I can’t wait for Perez Hilton to tell me what Lady Gaga is thinking right this second! I need to know now!) But for the rest of us? Those of us in the enterprise market? Those of us who don’t give a damn about celebrity rantings? Those of us who actually want to have a real conversation? Doubtful.

Sorry little bird. You’re not my style.
You will follow me! Everyone will follow me! I’m the Twitter Bird! And even the fail whale can’t stop me!
Maybe you should see a veterinarian. Obviously you never quite recovered from that encounter with the patio door. Goodbye

A few months ago:

Follow me! Follow me!
Back again little Twitter bird? You certainly are persistent.
Time to Follow me! Time to Follow me! Four score and twenty million users sending more tweets per day than there are people in the U.S.A can’t be wrong!
That’s a lot of followers. Not Facebook level, but a lot of followers.
So follow me! Follow me! Popularity awaits!
I’m about knowledge. Knowledge isn’t about popularity. It’s about truth. And those who seek shall find.
They’ll find it faster if you follow me! Follow me!
Knowledge isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. And journeys take time, like the acquisition of knowledge.
Follow me! Follow me! I’ll lead you down the yellow brick road!
I’m not looking for courage, a heart, or a brain, as I already possess all three, and I don’t believe in a magical wizard who will solve all my problems. I think I’ll keep going down the road I’m on. I’m joined by thousands of readers making well over a hundred thousand visits per month in their mutual quest for knowledge.
But it’s not millions! Follow me! Follow me!
I’m writing about Supply Management. You could count every practitioner on the planet and you wouldn’t reach a million. And if only 1.5% of people on the planet are on your network, that’s not many more readers for me.
They will follow me! You’ll see. Follow me! Follow me!
You never did see that veterinarian, did you?
Follow me! Follow me!
I’ve tried to be patient and polite with you, little bird, but enough is enough. I swear that as long as I have my marbles, I’ll never follow you!
See you in a few months! Then you’ll follow me! Follow me too!

About a week and a half ago.

My marbles! Where are my marbles! I’ve lost my marbles! I don’t know what to do! How can I make sense of this crazy world without my marbles?

This is an automated e-mail message from the Facebook borg. Resistance is futile. You will join us. You cannot resist.

I … cannot … resist. Friend me.

Look at all the pretty pin boards you can make! Web works of art. It will change the way you bookmark.

I have no idea what a pinboard is or how to make one. But the borg say I can’t resist. So why not? Pin with me.

I’m back! Now you will follow me! Follow me!
I know I shouldn’t. I really, really shouldn’t. But without my marbles to connect my logic centre to my action centre, I can’t stop myself. I … must … follow … you! Follow me!.

And, while you’re at it, don’t forget to:
Card Me,
Circle Me, and
Link With Me*.

Damn you! Damn you to hell Twitter Bird!
I know you hid my marbles. I don’t know how you got them, but I know it was you! Someday I’ll get you for this! Someday!

*Assuming I know who you are. Otherwise, Friend Me first. I believe in keeping my LinkedIn Network limited to those people I have actually interacted with at some point.

Have You Outsourced Too Much of Your Analysis?

Over on Deal Architect, Vinnie Mirchandani wrote a great post on the 7 Signs You’ve Outsourced Too Much of Your Analysis that was great. In a Top 10 Letterman style list, Vinnie notes that:

1. The T-shirt collection in your closet, your jar of pens and your collection of USB drives are a gallery of vendor logos.

4. Your most anticipated report or post is a Magic Quadrant, Wave or some other vendor ranking write-up.

and …

7. Even your kids don’t want to join you on your 10th trip to Orlando this year for yet another vendor event!

For the other 4, check out the top 7 Signs You’ve Outsourced Too Much of Your Analysis.