Category Archives: humour

Times Stay Tough for the Oompa-Loompas

Well, it’s been over a quarter since we last checked in on the oompa-loompas, who were having a pretty bad year between massive layoffs at Cadbury and Hershey’s, salmonella contamination, chocolate covered ants in the Ferrero Rocher, child labour on the Ivory Coast, a chemical accident at the Blommer Chocolate factory, and lawsuits galore. (It should be no surprise that so many have turned to code-slinging in recent years!)

Are things ever going to look up?

It doesn’t look like it. A recent story in Fortune noted that price hikes are hammering Hershey’s profits to the point where it has had to raise prices by 11%. This could mean less sales for the manufacturer, who, being squeezed on both ends, might need to institute another round of layoffs to keep going. Then there was the recent finding of melamine in Cadbury chocolate, which I cannot fathom as being “legally acceptable” since melamine poisoning killed thousands of pets last year in the US and this year has killed over a dozen children in China while sickening over 54,000 others. This has forced Cadbury to recall Chinese-made candy, which is going to be another big hit to its bottom line. This is all bad news considering the World Cocoa Foundation has determined that approximately 50 Million people around the globe rely on chocolate for their livelihood.

Hopefully, things will improve with the one-two Halloween-Christmas punch that arrives in fourth quarter. If not, I guess there’s always coding.

The Comic Art of Strategic Intelligence Using Nanotech Digital Forensics in Sustainable Business

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) projects that the U.S. economy will add 15.6 million jobs in the decade between 2006 and 2016. But those jobs won’t be evenly split across regions or industries. Many traditional industries, like manufacturing, will see declines. Industries that hire graduates of popular majors in business, social sciences / history, and education may see a rise if the opportunity is there, but may not. But since not every student has the aptitude to be successful in these fields, and since many will ultimately have to take positions outside of these fields of research due to limited jobs in these fields today, it’s hard for a college student these days to pick a major these days that’s likely to land him or her a job.

That’s why it was good to see an article in the current edition of The Futurist on “Majoring in the Unusual” that highlighted degrees in unusual fields from the recent edition of “They Teach That In College?” that might help a new graduate secure a job in an emerging field.

The article highlighted the following five fields as the most eye-catching:

  • Sustainable Business
  • Computer & Digital Forensics
  • Comic Book Art
  • Nanotechnology
  • Strategic Intelligence

… and, in my view, among the most lucrative. Here’s why:

  • Sustainability is soon going to be a necessity. You can follow the doctor and lead the way or get caught up in the tide.
  • Everything is “e” these days. Since you can’t follow someone who never leaves their office, the days of Sam Spade and Dixon Hill are coming to an end. Digital is here, like it or not.
  • Die hards will hold onto books for a long time, but the days of the text-based books are coming to an end as we read more and more on our computers and e-readers. But since e-readers still can’t replicate the texture of art on the page, graphic novel and comic sales are going to stay strong for a while.
  • We love miniaturization … and nanotech, which will be very useful in medicine, is miniaturization to the extreme. It’s true we might accidentally build replicators, but it’s also true that the new large hadron collider might destroy the planet next month, and we built that.
  • Considering that, in the doctor‘s view, most businesses don’t have a lot of intelligence to begin with , there’s always a need for strategic intelligence!

The Vendor in Black (Repost)

The sun did not shine.
We had no time for play.
So we sat in the office.
On that dark, stormy day.

I sat there with Sally.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, “How I wish
We had good tools to use!”

We’re deep in the red.
Our paychecks are stale.
So we sat in the office.
And tried not to wail.

So all we could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

>BUMP!<
And then
something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Vendor in Black!
And he said to us,
“Why do you sit there like that?”
I know you are broke
And your paychecks are flat
But we can find
Savings to tuck under your hat.”

“I have some tools that you can use,”
Said the Vendor.
“I have some new tricks,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“A lot of good tricks
I will show them to you
Your boss
Will not mind at all if I do.”

Then Sally and I
Did not know what to say.
Our boss was out of the office
For the day.

But Diligence said, “No!, No!
Make that vendor stand by!
Tell that Vendor in Black
You do NOT want to try.
He should not be here.
He should not be about.
He should not be here
When our boss is out!”

“Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!” said the Vendor.
“My tricks are not bad,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“Why, we can find
lots of savings, if we try
with a report that I call
vendor-GL_code drive by!”

“Please get out!” said Diligence.
“This strikes me as void!
Please get out! said Diligence.
I do NOT wish to be unemployed!”

“Have no fear!” said the Vendor.
“My tool will always work.
It will find you savings
Wherever they lurk.
With a click of a button.
And your ERP app.
It will find you savings!”
Said the Vendor in Black.

“Look at it!
Look at it now!” said the Vendor in Black.
“It’s finding you savings.
To tuck under your hat.
It’s comparison report.
Can handle two divisions.
Broken down by category.
Into subdivisions.
And look!
Pie chart comparisons for one and for all!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all … ”

“Look at it!
Look at it!
Look at it now!
It can handle AP data,
with the module that knows how.
It doesn’t cost much more.
Than the basic module costs.
But it’s worth the price.
To prevent savings loss!
And with extra reports.
Your savings explode.
You’ll find hidden treasure.
With that extra code.
Don’t fear the price tag.
It’s a nominal fee.
You heard me clear.
Have no fear!
Just a nominal fee!”

That is what the vendor said.
Then he fell on his head!
He came down with a bump!
From up there high on the wall.
And Sally and I,
We saw ALL our prospects fall!

And Diligence he gloated.
While grinning he did.
He sad, “Did I not tell you?”
Oh, yes! I sure did!
This was not a good game,”
said Diligence in a fit.
“No, I did not like it,
Not one little bit!”

“Now look what you did!”
Said Diligence to the Vendor in Black!
“Now look at this mess!
Look at this! Look at that!
You took all our money.
Sank us deep in the red.
You made us false promises.
Then you fell on your head.
You SHOULD NOT be here.
When our boss is gone out.
You get out of this office!”
Said Diligence with clout!

“But I like to be here.
Oh, I like it quite a bit!”
Said the Vendor in Black
To Diligence with wit.
“I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to roam!
And so,” said the Vendor in Black,
“So,
so
so …
I will show you
Another module you should own!”

And then he ran out,
And, then, fast as a fox,
The Vendor in Black
Came back in with a box.
A shiny blue box.
It was sealed with red tape.
“Now look at this,”
Said the Vendor.
“Take a look!”

Then he climbed on the soapbox.
And with a tip of his hat.
“I call this module Enhanced-Data-Blocks,”
Said the Vendor.
“In this box, two CDs.
I will load for you now.
You will like these apps,”
Said the Vendor with a bow.

“I will unseal the tape.
You will see something new.
Two apps. And I call them
App One and App Two.
These two apps will not hassle you.
They integrate well.”
Then, out of the box
came CDS for App One and App Two!
He installed them at once.
Then said, “They’re ready to use.
Would you like to try out
App One and App Two?”

And Sally and I
Did not know what to do.
So we decided to try out
App One and App Two.
We loaded them both.
But Diligence said, “No! No!
Those Apps should not be
on our system! They must go!
“They should not be installed
When our boss is not here!
Uninstall! Uninstall!
Said Diligence, wrought with fear.

“Have no fear, Diligence,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“These apps are good apps.”
And he gave them a nod.
“They are great. Oh, so great!
They were built to work well.
They will save you more money
and make you feel swell.”

“Now, here is a new trick that I like.”
Said the vendor.
“They augment your data,”
Said the Vendor in Black.

“No! Not in our system!”
Said Diligence, quite hot.
“They should not change the data
in our system! They should not.
Oh, the errors they’ll make.
The mistakes I will find.
Oh, I do not like it!
Rewind, Rewind!”

Then Sally and I
Saw them merge our transactions.
We saw those two Apps
Put our systems in traction.
Bump! Thump! Thump! Bump!
For hours on end there was no reaction.

App One and App Two!
Power Down! Power Up!
Our processors maxed!
It was not abrupt!
In want of more memory,
swap space was used.
And our brand new SAN,
those Apps did abuse.

Then those Apps they spit out
A slew of reports.
Across all our data,
they said we were short.
And I said
“I do NOT like the way that they run.
If our boss saw this,
would he have bought one?”

Then Diligence said, “Look! Look!”
And trembled with fear.
“Our boss is on her way back!
Do you hear?
Oh, what will she do to us?
What will she say?
Oh, she will not like it
To find our systems this way!”

“So, DO something! Fast!” said Diligence.
“Do you hear!
I saw her! Our boss!
Our boss is near!
So, as fast as you can,
Think of something to do!
You must get results from
App One and App Two!”

So, as fast as I could,
I loaded Excel.
And I said, “With Excel
I can get meaning I bet.
I bet, with Excel,
I can use those reports yet!
Cut and Paste, Slice and Dice
Make our new reports useful and nice!”

“You see!” said the vendor
“Our new apps work great.
You’ll save.
Yes you’ll save.
Oh you’ll save
Ain’t that great!”

Then he left us the box
with the CDs inside.
And the Vendor went away
gleaming with pride.

“That is good” said Diligence.
“Vendor’s gone away. Yes.
But our boss will come back
She will find this big mess!
And the mess is so big
And through all systems spread,
We can not clean it up.
We are so dead!”

And THEN!
Who was back in the office?
Why, the Vendor!
“Have no fear of the mess,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“I solve all your problems,
And so …
I have here another module
to answer your woes!”

Then we saw Vendor install
App Three, Your Original View.
For another small fee
our data renewed.
Our original views,
and our new views too
plus a hundred reports
and a slew of canned graphs
in bright shiny colors
to show us our gaffs.

Then Vendor was gone
with a tip of his hat.

Then our bass walked in
And asked of us two
“Did you accomplish your goals?
Tell me. How did you do?”

And Sally and I did not know
What to say.
Should we tell her
The things that went on here that day?

Should we tell her about it?
Or hope she never finds out?
Well …
What would YOU do
If your boss asked YOU?

This entry was originally posted on February 17, 2007.  It is being reposted not only because the spend analysis vendors were making a lot of noise last quarter, but because the spend analysis consultants are finding their workload at an all-time high — which means that many companies are waking up to the fact that there are only a handful of technologies, like spend analysis and optimization, that can save them money in this agflation-recession environment.  However, it has to be true spend analysis and not 100-reports-in-a-box.  In other words, when selecting your vendor, due to the large number of spend analysis solutions on the market that are not, at least in the doctor‘s view, true spend analysis solutions, it’s buyer-beware.  

Culture Matters

Culture Matters. Especially when dealing with overseas suppliers whose native language is not your own. After all, you don’t want to accidentally call your best customer Mr. Stinky Fish Face, do you? (Unless, of course, you’re using UK SuperMarket Negotiating Tactics (UK Telegraph), in which case, maybe you do.) That’s why a recent article in SourcingMag titled “Culture Matters: Communication and Culture Tips for Global Managers” caught my eye because, as the article points out, whenever difficulties arise, it’s often due to “communication problems”.

The article had tips for global managers who needed to manage projects, communicate on a personal level, and deal with cross cultural boundaries.

When managing projects, a project manager should:

  • insure a first-rate project management information system is in place
  • integrate project management processes with those of business partners
  • train team members on all aspects of enterprise communication processes

Translation:

  • Carrier Pigeons won’t get the job done
  • Parallel lines never meet
  • Leaving Bob alone with his trusty fax when the rest of the team has moved to e-mail is asking for trouble

In order to ensure the communication capability is there, a project manager should:

  • assess communication skills as part of the hiring process
  • identify gaps and provide remediation through training and coaching
  • develop team cultures that are self-reflective and self-correcting with regards to interpersonal miscommunications

Translation:

  • If you’re communicating in English and the best a candidate can muster during the interview is “Me For Job, Yes?”, you’re probably going to have a problem
  • If one of your team members responds “Mr. Roboto” when your Japanese supplier says “domo arigato”, you’ve got a communication breakdown
  • If you have a team of Loud Howards … time for a new team!

To help bridge any cultural communication differences, a project manager should:

  • assure region-specific cross-cultural awareness
  • insure your partner is doing the same
  • involve everyone in cross-cultural training

Translation:

  • Japan and China might use the same kanji character set, but they don’t speak the same language or have the same culture (and if you confuse them, calling your partner Mr. Stinky Fish Face might be the least of your worries)
  • Make sure they understand that American English is not the Queen’s English … ( unless you want a room full of blank stares if a British counterpart starts using local colloquialisms in a Dallas boardroom )
  • Don’t forget religion awareness if your overseas outsourcing partner has followers of religions with a lot of praying and / or chanting at regular times during the day (so your employees can understand and adapt)

Things Just Keep Getting Worse For The Oompa-Loompas

When we last checked in on the oompa-loompas late last year, they were facing tough times with massive layoffs at Cadbury and Hersheys, dealing with the backlash of salmonella contamination, and having to deal with their reputations being scarred by counterfeiters in China who were stuffing their fake Ferrero Rocher chocolates with ants. Bleak times indeed.

And in the first half of this year, things continued to get worse. Campbell succeeding in selling Godiva chocolates. And although there’s been no report of massive layoffs yet, it has been the trend in recent years. An expose in Fortune in February exposed the fact that child workers, many as young as 10, are everywhere in the Ivory Coast, which supplies 40% of the world’s cocoa. Then a chemical accident at the Blommer Chocolate factory in River West, in Chicago, killed one worker and injured two others. And just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse, a CNNMoney.com article pointed out that nearly eighty (80) lawsuits were being brought against The Hershey Co., Mars Inc., Nestle SA, Cadbury Schweppes PLC, and ITWAL Ltd. for price-fixing were being merged into a massive class-action lawsuit to inquire into multiple instances of alleged price-fixing in Canada and Europe.

All I can say is, the way things are going, I hope that they’re going back to school and learning how to sling code, like I recommended last year.