Category Archives: humour

Dumb Company (The Lyrics)

In the spirit of CIRCUIT (the Corporate Intelligence Rating Under Inflationary Times), Dumb Company, and Dead Company, I bring you Dumb Company, in lyrics.

Company, always on the run
Destiny … we’re all chasing the sun
We’re downsizing, pink slips in hand
Without a prayer, we make our final stand
That’s why we are called

Dumb Company
Oh, we can’t deny
Dumb, Dumb Company
Till the day we die

Brainless souls
Innovation we do stall
Use the axe
It’s time to drop the ball
All the blogs
They know us by name
A slashing sound
It’s our claim to fame
That’s why we are called

Dumb Company
Oh, we can’t deny
Dumb, Dumb Company
Till the day we die

Enjoy the Song
Time’s up, we move on

To the tune of Bad Company

Dumb Company

Two weeks ago I brought you CIRCUIT, “Corporate Intelligence Rating Calibration Under Inflationary Times”, where, I’m sure, many of you (who work for, and run, intelligent companies gifted enough to recognize the genius you display as a regular reader of Sourcing Innovation) asked “Can a company really be that dumb?”. The answer is, an unfortunate, yes. And in recessionary times, dumbness spreads like a disease. (Although it’s a meaningless statistic, it is interesting to note that a search for “dumb company” in Google brings up 16 Million hits. That’s almost Christina Aguilera level of popularity … in fact, it’s only dwarfed by the popularity of Britney Spears and the Circus she is due to unleash on the world on December 2.)

So today, helped by Google, I decided to bring you a starting list of other things that dumb companies do. Feel free to add your own in the comments, to help your fellow reader stay on the straight and narrow.

  • Brochure Mania
    As highlighted in this Remarkable Communication article, you can’t afford to print 10,000 brochures and then dump 9,950 in a toilet. (And the environment can’t afford it either!) If you feel you need a brochure, this there’s neat little technology called word processing that can generate industry standard formats, like PDF, that every computer can read.
  • N-Tuple Opt-In Everyone who E-mails You
    Just because someone emails you to say they like, or don’t like, your product, that doesn’t mean they want to be added to every single e-mail list your company has.
  • Assuming all of your customers are hip 25 year-old caucasians who listen to i-Pods, drink Starbucks, and hug trees in their Gap outfits.
    Chances are the majority of your customers aren’t who you think they are. In the enterprise space, assuming all of your customers run SAP and think it’s the greatest gift to man since sliced bread isn’t a great assumption either.
  • Lawyering Up …
    And suing everybody who might be infringing one line of a 100-page patent that should never have been issued in the first place. Only money-grubbing lawyers win in patent wars. If you were smart, you’d lobby for the US to go the way of the EU and abolish software and business process patents. They’re just stupid. There are laws for copyright. There are laws for espionage. There are laws for theft. Beyond that, if you can’t compete fairly, maybe you shouldn’t be competing at all.
  • Forgetting the Customer
    Maybe the customer doesn’t know the best way to solve his problem, but he knows more about it than you do. Don’t assume that only you can solve it, or that you know more about it than he does.
  • Forgetting Value
    Cost matters when money is tight, but so does value. If it sucks, it doesn’t matter how cheap it is. Once word gets out it’s a piece of trash, very few people will buy your product.
  • Cutting back on Customer Service
    When a customer is irate because you sold him something that doesn’t work … putting him on hold for hours or promising a solution “in next year’s release” isn’t going to win you any brownie points. It’s going to make him look for an early exit from your relationship.
  • Forgetting Your Employees are People, not Chattle
    They’re not resources to be reallocated, or liabilities to be released … they’re your dedicated employees who are there to help you through tough times.
  • Forgetting Sustainability
    You can always afford to go “green. Maybe you have to be creative. Maybe you have to do it in baby-steps. But you can always afford to go green.
  • … and many, many more.

Now it’s your turn. What are the dumbest things you had the opportunity to experience in the corporate world (and that led you on the path to your current job, where your intellect and dedication is appreciated). Alternatively, if you are among the unlucky few who joined a company that masterfully hid its ineptitude during the recent mini-boom, and that is now showing it’s true colors (and causing you to search for a smarter company), what dumb things are you seeing?

The Replicators are Coming!

Check out RepRap and then tell me something … are these guys geniuses, or are they completely bonkers? I don’t know … but I would think it would be impossible to not know about Star Trek (the Borg), StarGate (the Replicators), or the Matrix or every other variant of self-replicating automaton that exists for the sole purpose of taking over the earth, the galaxy, and, ultimately, the universe? There’s a difference between innovation and self-elimination. I’m not sure these guys get it. Your thoughts?

The Sourcing Maniacs 2008 Vendor Tour Part II: Interlude

This part of the story was recounted to me by the Sourcing Maniacs after the part of the story that chronicled their visit with Aravo and before the part of the story that chronicled their visit with aPriori. Although it contains no useful vendor information, it does fill in the gap. However, I should warn you that it’s a bit weird, even for the Sourcing Maniacs! (But if you have a strange sense of humor, you should enjoy it.)

YakkoWakko, & Dot Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Dot One is a genius,
Wakko   The other is insane!
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky
and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Yakko, Wakko, & Dot Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world
Yakko … And they just might do it now that they don’t have to compete with us!
Dot That’s true … what chance does Ariba have without us?
Yakko We were the brains …
Dot and the beauty …
Yakko behind Ariba. How will they compete with just Chicken Boo?
Dot There were three of us!
Wakko in a very depressed tone
Well …
Yakko Well what?
Wakko still in a very depressed tone
He is Chicken Boo.
Dot So?
Wakko still in a very depressed tone
He’s never failed at anything!
Dot starting to pout
But … but …
Wakko in an even more depressed tone
Think about it … do you ever remember Chicken Boo failing? Even once? He succeeds every time! It’s like Lady Luck is on his side.
Dot And if he succeeds, we’ll never get our jobs back.
Dot starts to cry.
Yakko Don’t worry Dot! I’m sure we’ll find something soon. And, you know what they say …
Dot What?
Yakko Third Time’s The Charm!
Wakko in a very depressed tone
But it’s not his third gig ….
Yakko But it is his third major sourcing gig, isn’t it?
Wakko starting to cheer up
Hey, that’s right! His luck might start to run out!
Dot smiling
And we might get our old jobs back after all! Yeah!
Yakko And we’re almost there! Just another block to go!
Dot And I’ll get to see Pinky again! He always cheers me up!
Yakko I wonder what the Brain is cooking up this time?
Wakko I hope it’s Baloney. I’m hungry. I could really go for a baloney sandwich.
Yakko You’re always hungry!
Dot We’re almost there!
The sourcing maniacs round the corner. Ahead of them is a majestic headquarters somewhere in Massachusetts, the current home of Pinky and the Brain, their friends, and, up until recently, their competition.

They start towards the main gate. Just then, an alarm sounds.

BaZOONga … BaZoonga … Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! … BaZOONga … BaZoonga … Level 5 Lockdown commencing … Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! … All guards to your stations! All guards to your stations … BaZOONga … BaZoonga …

The gates close … windows snap shut … dogs are released … the fence is electrified …

Yakko, Wakko, & Dot WHAT THE?!?!
Guard #1 Attention Sourcing Maniacs … Do Not Approach. I Repeat … Do Not Approach. This is Private Property and you are NOT welcome here. Go Away!
Guard #2 in a French Accent
Yoooo rrrrr not welcome!
Dot But we just want to see Pinky and the Brain!
Yakko We don’t work for Ariba anymore!
Wakko Yeah, we were wakko’d! Get it?
Guard #1 I’ve been told not to believe anything you say! Go Away!
Dot Well, can you let Pinky and the Brain know we’re here and that we’ll be in the coffee shop over there if they want to come out and see us?
Guard #2 in a French Accent
Dey doooo not want to zeee yooo!
Dot batting her eyelids
Can you ask them for me? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?
Guard #2 Well, I’ll azk … but I don’t think dey’ll want to zee yooo.
Yakko Why not?
Guard #2 Beecuz they’ve already found it!
Wakko Found what?
Guard #2 Zee zourcing grail!
Yakko The sourcing what?
Guard #2 Zee zourcing grail! The, az yoo maniacz zay, “killer app” that will allow them to take over zee zourcing world!
Dot Really? Can I see it!
Guard #2 No! Nobody may zee it!
Yakko Then how will you use it to take over the sourcing world!
Guard #2 M-power!
Yakko M-power?
Guard #2 Yez, yez, M-power!
Dot I’m confused! What’s that supposed to mean?
Guard #2 All will be clear! Now go away, yoo zilly mouse-dogs! Go and boil your bottomz, yoo zonz of a zilly perzon. I honk my horn at yoo, zo-called maniacz, yoo and all yor zilly maniacal kaniggetz! Thpppt!
Wakko Already on it!
says Wakko who is suddenly in a hot-tub in the middle of the street
Guard #2 Now go away! I don’t want to talk to yoooo no more, you empty headed maniac trough whopperz! I break wind in yor general direction! Yor mother was a hamzter and yor father zmelt of elderberriez!
Wakko Hey! That’s my line!
Yakko Yeah, that’s his line! Why are you so upset!
Guard #2 I waz just canned from my night job.
Yakko And that was …
Guard #2 Ze local Spamalot production …
Dot Well that explains a lot …
Yakko Can we speak to the first guy again?
Guard #2 No! He iz on break!
Wakko So?
Guard #2 Go away or I zhall taunt yooo a third time-a!
Dot But?
Guard #2 Fetchez la vache!
Yakko I think we better leave now!
strange sounds, like a cow mooing in a very distressed manner, can be heard in the distance
Dot I agree. This is too weird even for us!
The sourcing maniacs take off and quickly round the corner.
Wakko So what do we do now?
Dot I was really looking forward to seeing Pinky again!
Yakko So was I. We’ll have to e-mail them our travel plans and hope our paths cross again some day. For now, onto the next stop.
Wakko But we’re already at the bus stop.
Dot So who else starts with an A that we can visit?
Yakko aPriori is only a few (dozen) miles away over in Concord. We could see them.
Wakko What do they do?
Yakko Something to do with cost management … and predicting it a-priori.
Wakko Like a psychic?
Dot Or a wizard?
Yakko I don’t know … I guess we’ll have to go and see the wizard of cost management and find out!

We will return to the tale of the Sourcing Maniacs 2008 Vendor Tour with Part VII on Tuesday. Stay tuned!