Category Archives: humour

Lies, Damn Lies, and Emptoris …

Observant readers of SpendMatters, which just may be the only other blog you have to read daily*, will have noticed Jason’s “Emptoris: Going Under the Numbers”* which contained one of my favorite lines of the year (sorry SpendFool, you’ll just have to work harder on flashing that wit): Lies, Damn Lies, and Emptoris …. In his post, Jason was commenting on the shallow depth of their recent financial announcements and that we don’t really know how well they are doing since “good” statistics can be swayed to say anything you want, but that’s not why the line stuck with me. It stuck with me because after recent conversations with other industry observers, including those who usually know what’s going on, it’s clear that no one outside of Emptoris (or at least no one that hasn’t been sworn to a level of secrecy that most governments would envy) really knows what Emptoris has, what they are doing, or where they are going. I believe that we knew more about East Berlin when the wall was up, Russia when they were hiding behind the Iron Curtain, or China when the red curtains were drawn then we know about the software and service offerings of Emptoris.

You might remember my Emptoris Update post back in January that was about as informative as a hastily written press release after a long night of binge drinking and debauchery where the writer was working against a 6:00 am deadline at 5:55 am. What I didn’t tell you is that most dentists have an easier time pulling teeth then I had extracting even those few tidbits of information, and I only got those because they were going into a press release.

I know some companies are secretive … but when you consider how much time they spend on press releases, that they hold user events, and that they even take the time to brief bloggers, you’d think we’d know a lot more … especially since they claim to be #2 and on track to displace Ariba as the largest solution provider in the space. But the reality is that their press releases are mostly fluff, their user events are generally closed to current users only (with us inquisitive bloggers banned), and the briefings they give are not much more informative than their brochures and press releases … even though the PowerPoints are quite nice. (That’s right … PowerPoints!) I’m left wondering just how much is release-ready product versus how much is still in development.

It all comes down to the fact that if they are so great … then why aren’t they shouting it from the rooftops? Why aren’t they doing the Procuri (acquired by Ariba, acquired by SAP) Extreme Tour and showing their product to every Larry, Darryl, & Darryl that will take the time to check it out? After all, if they’re as good as they claim, and that far above everyone else … then you shouldn’t be afraid of IP theft. Because by the time your competition figures out how to duplicate what you have, your innovative team would have you two releases down the road and still years ahead of the competition.

At this point, you’re probably saying the doctor has gone mad! Especially since he’s just announced site sponsorships are forthcoming. Well, my response to this is I doubt they’d sponsor Sourcing Innovation anyway. They did not sponsor Spend Matters, I know they had the chance, and considering their goal appears to be to go head-to-head with Ariba and win, you’d think they’d want every last potential customer to not only know about them, but think of them every time Ariba is mentioned. (Especially considering they also want to make sure they don’t lose the middle market to Procuri, a competitor that claims to be winning more deals then Emptoris when they go head to head. And Spend Matters was the one place they could have their logo side-by-side with Ariba and Procuri.) All I can say is that I’m not crazy. Just tired of the poor reception.

* I’m not saying Spend Matters is the only other blog you should read – as I also strongly endorse e-Sourcing Forum [WayBackMachine] and Supply Excellence [WayBackMachine], and Procurment Central [WayBackMachine] (at least when Dave has the time to publish), especially when David doesn’t have to resort to the nth+1 post on e-RFX (can you believe that there are still people not as enlightened as we are who still don’t get the basics of eSourcing?) and Tim talks about something other than the latest fiasco in the Detroit automotive sector (we get it … the Geico caveman is smarter, and until such a time as the Detroit industry giants bring in a management team with at least the intelligence of the Geico caveman in supply and spend management, nothing’s going to change) … but if you had to pick just two blogs to read daily, and consolidate the rest in your RSS feed reader for later, Spend Matters would be my other choice.

* All posts prior to 2012 were removed in the Spend Matters site refresh in June, 2023.

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N!

To the tune of Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.

Young man, there’s no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, there’s no need to frown.
We have a new name for the problem.

Young man, there’s a term you should know.
I said, young man, when you need to save dough.
Look into it, and I’m sure you will find …
It will turn water into wine.

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

It has everything young techs need to enjoy,
New systems that run on new toys …

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

You can pride yourself on being one with the crowd,
You can shout it out loud …

Young man, I said are you listening right now?
I said, young man, do you want to know how?
I said, young man, it’s the future of tech.
But you’ve got to say what the heck!

No man does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf,
And just move on, to the D-D-S-N.
It will solve your problems today.

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

It has everything young techs need to enjoy,
New systems that run on new toys …

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

You can pride yourself on being one with the crowd,
You can shout it out loud …

Young man, I was once in your shoes.
I said, I was down and out with the blues.
I felt no one understood supply chain.
I felt the whole world was inane …

That’s when someone came up to me,
And said, young man, here’s an answer for thee.
It’s a movement that’s called D-D-S-N.
It puts you in control again.

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

It has everything young techs need to enjoy,
New systems that run on new toys …

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.

Young man, young man, there’s no need to feel down
Young man, young man, pick yourself off the ground

It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
It’s the new age of the D-D-S-N.
Young man, young man, it’s the future of tech.
But you’ve got to stand and say what the heck!

D-D-S-N
Put your faith in the D-D-S-N
No man, young man, does it all by himself
Young man, young man, put your pride on the shelf

D-D-S-N
It’s time to choose the D-D-S-N
D-D-S-N
Young man, young man, I was once in your shoes
D-D-S-N
Young man, young man, I am now over the supply chain blues.
D-D-S-N

The Vendor in Black

The sun did not shine.
We had no time for play.
So we sat in the office.
On that dark, stormy day.

I sat there with Sally.
We sat there, we two.
And I said, “How I wish
We had good tools to use!”

We’re deep in the red.
Our paychecks are stale.
So we sat in the office.
And tried not to wail.

So all we could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!

And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.
>BUMP!<
And then
something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Vendor in Black!

And he said to us,
“Why do you sit there like that?”
I know you are broke
And your paychecks are flat
But we can find
Savings to tuck under your hat.”

“I have some tools that you can use,”
Said the Vendor.
“I have some new tricks,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“A lot of good tricks
I will show them to you
Your boss
Will not mind at all if I do.”

Then Sally and I
Did not know what to say.
Our boss was out of the office
For the day.
But Diligence said, “No!, No!
Make that vendor stand by!
Tell that Vendor in Black
You do NOT want to try.

He should not be here.
He should not be about.
He should not be here
When our boss is out!”

“Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!” said the Vendor.
“My tricks are not bad,”
Said the Vendor in Black.

“Why, we can find
lots of savings, if we try
with a report that I call
vendor-GL_code drive by!”

“Please get out!” said Diligence.
“This strikes me as void!
Please get out! said Diligence.
I do NOT wish to be unemployed!”

“Have no fear!” said the Vendor.
“My tool will always work.
It will find you savings
Wherever they lurk.
With a click of a button.
And your ERP app.
It will find you savings!”
Said the Vendor in Black.

“Look at it!
Look at it now!” said the Vendor in Black.
“It’s finding you savings.
To tuck under your hat.
It’s comparison report.
Can handle two divisions.
Broken down by category.
Into subdivisions.

And look!
Pie chart comparisons for one and for all!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all … ”

“Look at it!
Look at it!
Look at it now!
It can handle AP data,
with the module that knows how.
It doesn’t cost much more.
Than the basic module costs.
But it’s worth the price.
To prevent savings loss!

And with extra reports.
Your savings explode.
You’ll find hidden treasure.
With that extra code.
Don’t fear the price tag.
It’s a nominal fee.
You heard me clear.
Have no fear!

Just a nominal fee!”
That is what the vendor said.
Then he fell on his head!
He came down with a bump!
From up there high on the wall.

And Sally and I,
We saw ALL our prospects fall!
And Diligence he gloated.
While grinning he did.

He sad,
“Did I not tell you?”
Oh, yes! I sure did!
This was not a good game,”
said Diligence in a fit.

“No, I did not like it,
Not one little bit!”
“Now look what you did!”
Said Diligence to the Vendor in Black!

“Now look at this mess!
Look at this! Look at that!
You took all our money.
Sank us deep in the red.

You made us false promises.
Then you fell on your head.
You SHOULD NOT be here.
When our boss is gone out.

You get out of this office!”
Said Diligence with clout!
“But I like to be here.
Oh, I like it quite a bit!”
Said the Vendor in Black

To Diligence with wit.
“I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to roam!

And so,” said the Vendor in Black,
“So, so
so …
I will show you
Another module you should own!”

And then he ran out,
And, then, fast as a fox,
The Vendor in Black
Came back in with a box.

A shiny blue box.
It was sealed with red tape.
“Now look at this,”
Said the Vendor.

“Take a look!”
Then he climbed on the soapbox.
And with a tip of his hat.
“I call this module Enhanced-Data-Blocks,”

Said the Vendor.
“In this box, two CDs.
I will load for you now.
You will like these apps,”
Said the Vendor with a bow.

“I will unseal the tape.
You will see something new.
Two apps. And I call them
App One and App Two.

These two apps will not hassle you.
They integrate well.”
Then, out of the box
came CDS for App One and App Two!

He installed them at once.
Then said, “They’re ready to use.
Would you like to try out
App One and App Two?”

And Sally and I
Did not know what to do.
So we decided to try out
App One and App Two.

We loaded them both.
But Diligence said, “No! No!
Those Apps should not be
on our system! They must go!
“They should not be installed
When our boss is not here!
Uninstall! Uninstall!
Said Diligence, wrought with fear.

“Have no fear, Diligence,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“These apps are good apps.”
And he gave them a nod.
“They are great. Oh, so great!
They were built to work well.
They will save you more money
and make you feel swell.”

“Now, here is a new trick that I like.”
Said the vendor.
“They augment your data,”
Said the Vendor in Black.

“No! Not in our system!”
Said Diligence, quite hot.
“They should not change the data
in our system! They should not.
Oh, the errors they’ll make.
The mistakes I will find.
Oh, I do not like it!
Rewind, Rewind!”

Then Sally and I
Saw them merge our transactions.
We saw those two Apps
Put our systems in traction.

Bump! Thump! Thump! Bump!
For hours on end there was no reaction.
App One and App Two!
Power Down! Power Up!
Our processors maxed!
It was not abrupt!
In want of more memory,
swap space was used.

And our brand new SAN,
those Apps did abuse.
Then those Apps they spit out
A slew of reports.
Across all our data,
they said we were short.

And I said
“I do NOT like the way that they run.
If our boss saw this,
would he have bought one?”

Then Diligence said, “Look! Look!”
And trembled with fear.
“Our boss is on her way back!
Do you hear?
Oh, what will she do to us?
What will she say?
Oh, she will not like it
To find our systems this way!”

“So, DO something! Fast!” said Diligence.

“Do you hear!
I saw her! Our boss!
Our boss is near!
So, as fast as you can,
Think of something to do!
You must get results from
App One and App Two!”
So, as fast as I could,

I loaded Excel.
And I said, “With Excel
I can get meaning I bet.
I bet, with Excel,
I can use those reports yet!
Cut and Paste, Slice and Dice
Make our new reports useful and nice!”

“You see!” said the vendor
“Our new apps work great.
You’ll save.
Yes you’ll save.
Oh you’ll save
Ain’t that great!”

Then he left us the box
with the CDs inside.
And the Vendor went away
gleaming with pride.

“That is good” said Diligence.
“Vendor’s gone away. Yes.
But our boss will come back
She will find this big mess!

And the mess is so big
And through all systems spread,
We can not clean it up.
We are so dead!”

And THEN!
Who was back in the office?
Why, the Vendor!
“Have no fear of the mess,”
Said the Vendor in Black.
“I solve all your problems,
And so …
I have here another module
to answer your woes!”

Then we saw Vendor install
App Three, Your Original View.
For another small fee
our data renewed.
Our original views,
and our new views too
plus a hundred reports
and a slew of canned graphs
in bright shiny colors
to show us our gaffs.

Then Vendor was gone
with a tip of his hat.
Then our bass walked in
And asked of us two
“Did you accomplish your goals?
Tell me. How did you do?”
And Sally and I did not know
What to say.
Should we tell her
The things that went on here that day?

Should we tell her about it?
Or hope she never finds out?
Well …
What would YOU do
If your boss asked YOU?

Fox in SOX

Fox
SOX
Box
Knox

Knox in SOX.
Fox in box.

Knox on fox in SOX in box.
Fox in SOX on box on Knox.

Feds with bills come.
Feds with wills come.
Feds with bills and wills and tills come.

Look, sir. Look, sir. Mr. Knox sir.
Let’s do tricks with bills and tills sir.
Let’s do tricks with Feds and wills sir.

First, I’ll make a quick trick income statement.
Then I’ll make a quick trick expense statement.
You can make a quick trick SG&A.
You can make a quick trick COGS.

And here’s a new trick, Mr. Knox …
SOX behind Feds and Stripes on Fox.
Fox in deep inside your tills.
Now Knox in jail for fraudlent bills.

Don’t join Fox and Knox in stripes.
Know your SOX and do it right.
Know when Fox is inside your tills.
And when he may be fabricating bills.

And to find the answers you seek.
Read your blogs each day of the week.

I Finally Figured Out Why …

I’m not stir-crazy about AMR’s DDSN – Demand Driven Supply Network – focus, but I could never figure out why. I fundamentally agree with the principles, I like a lot of the great research they have produced, and yes I believe you should be focused on understanding actual demand, but DDSN just doesn’t seem to have that special ring to it – the ring that rolls of your tongue. Then yesterday I stumbled across InventoryOps.com Business Humor Lame Lists.

Included with paradigm, sea change, watershed moment, and leveraging, among others, is, you guessed it:

Demand Chain Does calling a supply chain a demand chain really change anything? I’m pretty confident that most people working in supply chain management realize the purpose of the supply chain is to meet demand.

All I can say is … Duh! So in the grand scheme of the Purchasing – Procurement – Sourcing – Supply – Spend – Management Smorgasboard, I’m going to keep calling it supply chain. And now I know why.