Category Archives: humour

the doctor Says Duh! (Of Course Leadership is Crucial in the Retention of Talent!)

I recently stumbled upon an article over on the European Leaders Network that was titled “Leadership Crucial in Retention of Talent”. Needless to say, I was a little shocked. How much more obvious can you get? Come on! I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard anyone say “My boss is a a**h0l3! I work nine hours, he tells me I should have worked ten. I do my job and his job, and then he asks if I can do the administrative assistant’s job as well so she can accompanying him on that Bermuda trip. I arrive five minutes late because I was honestly stuck in traffic due to a six-car pile up on the interstate, and I get my head chewed off for the next forty-five minutes. He arrives forty-five minutes late for the all-hands meeting he scheduled, and then gets a big bonus later that day. Of course I love working here and would never think of leaving, even it was for a job where I would get treated like a real human being!”

But it gets better – it’s based on a study by US-based Kenexa Research Institute who, apparently, had to survey workers in six countries to find out that those [senior management] teams who demonstrate a strong emphasis on customers, an unwavering commitment to ethical behavior, and who keep employees informed about the direction the company is headed, are the [senior management] teams who build more highly engaged workforces and outperform their competitors. It makes you wonder what type of hypothesis they started with – did they honestly think it was the companies who hired trained chimpanzees to manage their workforces that succeeded?

You don’t even have to pay me my not-insignificant day rate to get this consulting advice from me. I’ll give it to you for free! After all, it’s just the old adage of treat others as you would want to be treated yourself (unless, of course, you’re a masochist who revels in pain and mental anguish – then simply treat others as you would not want to be treated).

The Coupa Store

Ever since Coupa shook the e-Procurement world to its foundations by announcing the first transparent pricing model for its hosted enterprise open-source e-Procurement solution, Coupa has been getting a lot of press (which, of course, started right here on Sourcing Innovation). To date, their latest release has been covered by Software CEO, Supply & Demand Chain Executive, La Lettre Des Achats, ZD Net, Spend Matters, Purchasing, and Network World, among others. In honor of the rapid pace for which they have achieved recognition in the industry, and the even quicker pace in which they managed to develop a brand new enterprise e-Procurement application from scratch that is available on-demand using Amazon’s scalable and robust EC2 hosting solution, I bring you The Coupa Store.

The Coupa Store   To the tune of Hardware Store by Weird Al Yankovic

Nothin’ ever (ever) happens around here
Feelin’ low down (down), not a thing to buy I can choose
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news

He said, “Hey you know that RFP
for a new procurement tool? A decision was made
and tomorrow they’re gonna buy Coupa
that we can use to buy in spades!”

Since then I’ve been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
‘Cause I’m so excited and I really don’t care
I’ve been waiting since last June

For this day to finally arrive
I’m so happy (happy) now just to be alive
‘Cause any minute now I’m gonna be on-line
Well, I hope it’s ready soon

I can’t wait, (no) I can’t wait
When are they gonna put the system live?
I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the screen, then as soon as it was light
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first on-line

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a brand new stapler for every single room of the office
See those i-Phones? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine

Screens with cloud tags really make me smile
Virtual product listings are always displayed in style
Brand new HP laptops in a plethora of styles
All indexed alphabetically

And they’re doing a promotional stunt
There’s a great big purple sign in front
That says every 27th customer
Will get an inkjet printer free

I can’t wait, (no) I can’t wait
When are they gonna put the system live?
I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

Would you look at all that stuff …
They’ve got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, leather chairs, electric heaters
Trash compactors, fuel reactors, printer ink, and postal meters
Walkie-talkies, network cables, safety goggles, mailing labels
Gerbil pellets, rubber mallets, fans and boardroom billiard tables
Picture hangers, paper cutters, coffee makers, mini-putters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape, and tile cutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, printer cables
Pens and paper, water vapor, power washers, Aesop’s fables
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Data servers, life preservers, multi-purpose navigation
Air compressors, gold connectors, pleather sofas, smoke detectors
Moving stages, gerbil cages, thermostats, high-res projectors
External drive demagnetizers, automatic purifiers
Denim jackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Cube-farm panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, pepper shakers
Calculators, generators, chocolate from the swedish makers

I can’t wait, (no) I can’t wait
When are they gonna put the system live?
I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

I’m gonna, gonna, I’m a-gonna buy at
Gonna buy at, oh yes I’m gonna, really gonna buy at
Gonna, I’m gonna buy at, oh yes, I’m gonna buy at
The Coupa Store!

For more Coupa inspired lyrical amusement, you may want to check out these classics:

A Coupa Inspired Hoe-Down (A Good Old-Fashioned Hoe-Down)
The Coupa Drinking Song (A Good Old-Fashioned Irish Drinking Shanty)
It’s Coupa Time (The Coupa Rap)
Davie & The Coupa Factory (An Oompa-Loompa Chant)

For more information on Coupa in general, you might also want to check out these classic posts:

Procurement Independence at the Coupa Cabana Cafe
Coupa Cabana Cafe Open For Business
Coupa Charges Ahead
Riding the Rails with Coupa
More Than Coupacetic
It’s … It’s … It’s Coupasonic!
The Coupa Sunflower Starts To Blossom
Coupa + Amazon EC2 = Energized Procurement!

When I Was Your Age

To the tune of “When I Was Your Age” by Weird Al Yankovic
  parodied by Gruff Purchaser

Let me tell you sonny… let me set you straight
You kids today ain’t never had it rough
Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate
You lazy brats think nothing’s good enough

Well, nobody ever gave me paper when it was time to cut a PO
We had to use old papayrus that we made ourselves
Worked in the closet twenty two hours a day for just half a cent
Had to sell our internal organs just to feed ourselves

When I was your age. When I was your age
When I was your age. When I was your age

Let me tell you something, you whiny little snot
There’s something wrong with all you kids today
You just don’t appreciate all the things that you’ve got
We were hungry, broken and miserable and we liked it fine that way

There were seventy three of us working in a cardboard box
And our Christmas bonus was a lousy bag of rocks
Every night for dinner, we had a big ‘ol chunk of dirt
If we were really good, we got mud for dessert

When I was your age. When I was your age
When I was your age. When I was your age

Didn’t have no telephone, didn’t have no FAX machine
All we had was a pair of cans and a crummy piece of string
Didn’t have no ERP when I was just a lad
Accounting’s abacus was the closest thing we had
Didn’t have no internet, had to use yellow pages
Didn’t have RFPs, we listened to sages
Didn’t have no e-Auction, we used messenger pigeons
Didn’t have no KPIs, dollars spent was our religion

What’s the matter now, sonny, you say you don’t believe this junk?
You think my story’s wearin’ kinda thin?
I tell you one thing, I never was such a disrespectful punk
Back in my time, we had a thing called discipline

My boss would whoop us every night till a quarter after twelve
Then he’d get too tired and he’d make us whoop ourselves
Then he’d work us until dawn … until we felt the strain
And let me tell ya, Junior, you never heard me complain

When I was your age. When I was your age
When I was your age. When I was your age

the doctor Explains the Whole Numbers

I would say that you approach them
with caution
You should not let them overwhelm you with cheer
Pays to know what you’ll find
To understand their kind
’round here

Drawing their grooves
They look so radical
Tracing their curves
I wanna get fractal
Something deep down reveals they’re magical

How can I get enough

They’re all strange numerals
That’s what I know
But they’re strange numerals
We’ve got to follow

Since Steve Martin explained the alphabet, I thought I’d take a whirl at explaining the whole numbers. As a trained mathematician, it’s something I should be able to do. So here goes.

Zero is Zany, Zippy, and Zagging
Perfectly Round, nothing is dragging
Utterly unique, and matter of fact
It says you have nothing – and does it with tact

One is onerous, oneiric, and alone
Just a straight line, it’s bare-to-the-bone
Instantly recognizable, it’s universally known
From the pauper on the street to the prince in the throne

Two can be terrific if you like a surprise
Or two can be terrible if you’ve tied for first prize
And even two can be terrifying if we’re talking elephants on the drunk
But two can become one, as happens at the pulmonary trunk

Three is chaos – it is the unknown
It’s the three-body problem that makes physicists groan
And the three-toed sloth is about as slow as it gets
At least it’s the right number for pirouettes

Four on the floor was a grand old show
To make you laugh, to great lengths they would go
Brother of Ted, Mr. Canoehead had a canoe welded to his head
But how The Frantics produced that pie, it filled me with dread!

Drink Five-alive, feel Five-by-Five
In a five-star on the seventy-five
Just don’t five-finger a five-penny or you just might
find yourself behind five-bars for the night

Six is silly when found on its own
But add two more, and it’s a whole different tone
The Christians get fearful, they fill up with dread
They start talking of the beast, and how you should cut off its head

They say seven is lucky, but why I don’t know
I’d ask for advice, but to whom should I go
Seven sisters, seven deities, the seven minds?
Maybe I’ll just go the craps tables and sees what I finds

Eight is Enough said ABC
But to the samurai, eight codes brought harmony
The numeral eight has symmetry of the horizontal and vertical kind
Just don’t flip it on it’s side, or it’ll blow your mind!

Nine is fine, unless we’re talking Cat o’ nine tails
‘Cause when that thing flails, all you here is wails
And with the number nine, our lesson ends
I hope your knowledge now transcends

the doctor Shall Remain Faceless

It looks like the Facebook craze is starting to hit the sourcing nation. This is a bad thing. Unlike Linked In and Plaxo (Basic) which fulfill a useful business need, and are so boring that you don’t want to waste any time on the sites, Facebook is nothing but a big productivity zapper full of security holes that effectively share all of your personal information with the entire world. And now, to top things off, they’ve introduced new creepy advertising [CNet] that is much spookier than any crawler hiding beneath the leaves on the rain-forest floor. I have to agree with Mr. Rosenberg – do you rally want to know if someone you went to school with is buying a book or adult diapers [ValleyMag] on Amazon?

I don’t get Facebook. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend my day being poked, prodded, pinged, nipped, bitten, tagged, ragged, tracked, hacked, smacked, or dealing with any of the dozen other annoyances that you have to put up with on what is really a faceless site. Besides, isn’t a facebook what police use to track criminals and other suspicious persons?