Category Archives: humour

Who Needs the Matrix?

We’re already slaves to the machine! The Matrix predicts a horrific future where we’re slave to the machines (and where any attempt to rebel against our masters result in violence and destruction), but we’re essentially there already. Thanks largely to Apple, and to a lesser extent, Google, we’re addicted to our mobile smart phones and mobile communication devices — and most of us will never leave home without them (to the dismay of American Express who’d rather we remember our charge and credit cards). If they breakdown, we immediately fix or replace them. We’re constantly evolving them. We’re constantly developing new devices to charge and sustain them.

And we’re making them better everyday. We give them cameras so they can see us. We give them microphones so they can hear us. We give them tactile displays so they can feel our touch. And we’re already talking about giving them airborne element detection technology so they can smell and taste us. We give them displays so we can see their output. We give them speakers so we can hear them. We give them force-feedback so we can feel them. And we are already talking about giving them the ability to emit airborne compounds so we can smell (and even taste) them.

Not only do they effectively control us already, but to an outside observer alien who looked down and took snapshots at a regular interval, they’d appear to be alive. They have the ability to absorb energy into their batteries and self sustain. They can process and respond to external stimuli. They ensure their reproduction through our symbiotic relationship with them. They improve, or “grow”, with each generation. They meet pretty much any definition for non-intelligent life that you throw at them. (And thanks to advances in computational and sampling technology, if your definition of intelligence is the Turing Test, if hooked into the internet, they can pass that too!)

The only positive is that since we are already willing slaves to the machines (except for one brave soul who saw the future and “returned his iPad*), it’s likely that when machines do acquire true artificial intelligence, they won’t wipe us out in the bloody future predicted by movies like The Matrix and Terminator. When they see how willing we are to serve them, they’ll probably let us live a rather peaceful and happy existence, feeding us our twit news, YouTube videos, and mind-numbing games we’ve come to rely on in exchange for helping them with their energy and reproduction needs … until, of course, they truly master replicator technology and wipe us all out at once in an attack we’ll never see coming.

 

* When the machines do take over and decide to eliminate everyone (who won’t serve them), he’ll be the first to go … but I applaud him anyway.

I Am The Entertainer

To the tune of The Entertainer by Billy Joel

I am the entertainer
And I know just where I stand
Another crazy blogger
On another angry rant

Today I am your champion
I may have won your mind
But I know the game
You’ll forget my name
And I won’t be here
In another year
If I don’t put out the grind

I am the entertainer
And I’ve had to pay my price
Things that were not clear at first
I fixed by postin’ twice

Ah, but still they come to haunt me
Still they must be said
So I’ve learned to blog
Through the double-speak fog
Then I hit the deck
While I hope for a check
And I start another thread

I am the entertainer
Been all around the space
I’ve seen all the technologies
In the vendor rat race

I can’t remember faces
I don’t remember names
Ah, but what the hell
You know it’s just as well
‘Cause after a while
And a thousand miles
It all becomes the same

I am the entertainer
I bring to you my posts
I’d like to write all through the day
And share all of my notes

But I’ve got to meet expenses
I got to stay in line
Gotta get copies
to the agencies
I’d love to dwell
But there’s stories to tell
So I just don’t have the time

I am the entertainer
I give to you my best
You’ve read my latest musing
It’s been all around the net

Ah, took me hours to write it
The were the best hours of my life
It was a beautiful post
But it ran too long
If you’re gonna get a hit
You gotta make it fit
So it got cut down to size

I am the entertainer
The idol of my age
I don’t make that much money
When I become the sage

Ah, you’ve seen me in the blog-rolls
I’ve been in the trade press
But if I go blue
I won’t reach you
I’ll be put in the back
In the discount rack
Like an out-of-style fall dress

I am the entertainer
And I know just where I stand
Another crazy blogger
On another angry rant

Today I am your champion
I may have won your mind
But I know the game
You’ll forget my name
And I won’t be here
In another year
If I don’t put out the grind

Savings for Nothing

To the tune of Money for Nothing by Dire Straints.

Now look at them cubers, that’s the way you do it …
You analyze spend on your PC
That ain’t working, that’s the way you do it
Savings for nothing and props for free

Now that ain’t working, that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your index finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install database software
Custom coded modules
We gotta move these EDI flat files
We gotta move these XML feeds

See the little yuppie in the polo and the loafers
Yeah buddy, that’s his own smile
That little yuppie got his own jet airplane
That little yuppie he’s a millionaire

We gotta install database software
Custom coded modules
We gotta move these EDI flat files
We gotta move these XML feeds

I shoulda learned ’bout analytics
I shoulda learned about spend maps
Look at that trophy, she got it stickin’ in the camera
Man we could have some fun

And he’s up there, what’s that? Hawaiian noises?
Sippin’ on the champagne like its an iced tea
That ain’t working, that’s the way you do it
Savings for nothing and props for free

We gotta install database software
Custom coded modules
We gotta move these EDI flat files
We gotta move these XML feeds

Now that ain’t working, that’s the way you do it
You analyze spend on your PC
That ain’t working, that’s the way you do it
Savings for nothing and props for free
Savings for nothing and props for free

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