Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!
| Pinky | Gee Brain, what are we going to do tonight? |
| Brain | Same thing we do every night Pinky – try to take over the Sourcing World! |
| Pinky | How are we going to do that, Brain? Narf? |
| Brain | We’re going to implement another brilliant plan to market our strategy to take over the sourcing world! |
| Pinky | What are we going to market again, Brain? |
| Brain | Our strategy. |
| Pinky | And what is it again? |
| Brain | Don’t make me hit you again, Pinky! |
| Pinky | But … |
| Brain | The cheese, Pinky, the cheese! |
| Pinky | Oh, I remember! Nog! The cheese trade! Yum! |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky, the global cheese trade. |
| Pinky | So, did you managed to recover the hypno-spend thingy? |
| Brain | No, Pinky. It was destroyed. |
| Pinky | So how are we going to take over the sourcing world this time? |
| Brain | I don’t know, Pinky. I don’t know. Give me a few minutes to think. Brain paces the floor for a few minutes in deep thought. He stops just as a look of evil inspiration crosses his face. Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering? |
| Pinky | Uh, I think so Brain, but just how are the two of us going to eat the world’s biggest cream cheese banana split all by ourselves? Narf! |
| Brain | No, you imbecile! We are going to define best-in-class! |
| Pinky | Redefine valedictorian? |
| Brain | No, no, Pinky! Best … in … Class. We’re going to define what makes a great company great and take over the analyst mind share. With the recent flood of departures from the analyst firms downtown, the marketplace is just yearning for a new thought leader. We’re going to be that new thought leader! And, it goes without saying, that the thoughts we produce are the thoughts that are addressed by the solutions our company provides. |
| Pinky | Um … er … and how precisely are we going to do that? Nog! |
| Brain | We’re going to start with a simple survey! |
| Pinky | How’s a survey going to make us thought leaders? It’s just a bunch of questions, isn’t it? |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky, but with the right open-ended questions, you can, with a little cunning, present results that will cause the average reader to assume whatever you want them to assume. |
| Pinky | Like a good statistician can use statistics to support whatever position he or she wants? |
| Brain | Something like that, Pinky. But, instead, we surreptitiously confuse correlation with causation, since the average reader can’t tell the difference. |
| Pinky | Syrup! Yum! Are we having pancakes, Brain? Narf! |
| Brain | You twit! Surreptitiously means stealthily, not syrupy! |
| Pinky | Oh. So we’re stealthily going to confuse coronations with castrations, but how are crownings and eunuchs going to help us? |
| Brain | Not coronations and castrations, you fool, correlations and causations. Whereas a causation refers to something that produces an effect, a correlation refers to the tendency of two, or more, attributes, or measurements, to vary together. For example, let’s say I drop this hammer from our toolbox on your foot. |
| Pinky | Narf! Brain! |
| Brain | Don’t worry, Pinky. I’m just trying to give you a hypothetical example. |
| Pinky | A heretical? Nog! The last time we let one of them in here he jabbered all night long about salv … salv … hand-cream. |
| Brain | Salvation, Pinky and it’s hypothetical, not heretical. Make-believe. May I continue? |
| Pinky | So we’re going to just pretend you’re going to drop that hammer on my foot … |
| Brain | As long as you keep quiet and let me continue. As I was saying, let’s pretend I dropped this hammer from our toolbox on your foot. Chances are, you’d yelp in pain and hop around on your other foot, like an idiot. Am I right? |
| Pinky | Um, yeah, I think so. |
| Brain | Let’s also pretend that the only time you hopped around on one foot yelping in pain is when something heavy was dropped on your foot. Then, by definition, there would be a strong correlation between having something heavy dropped on your foot, yelping in pain, and hopping around on one foot. Right? |
| Pinky | Sure. |
| Brain | However, whereas there are three correlation relations, specifically, the correlation between the hammer drop and the yelp, the correlation between the hammer drop and the hop, and the correlation between the yelp and the hop, there are only two causation relations, and they both go only one way. Specifically, the hammer drop causes the yelp and the hammer drop causes the hop. The yelp does not cause the hop and the hop does not cause the yelp, and, more importantly, the yelp does not cause the hammer drop and the hop does not cause the hammer drop. Following me so far? |
| Pinky | I think so. If you drop the hammer on my foot, and please don’t, I yelp and I hop. And that’s called a causation. However, the relationship between the yelp and hop is simply coral-ation. |
| Brain | Correlation, but that’s close enough. Anyway, let’s say we ask a well thought out series of questions and find out that 89% of best-in-class firms, that have 74% or more of spend under management, have a performance management tool. This is a correlation. But let’s say that, in the report, we state that we found that 89% of best-in-class companies have a performance management tool. It’s very easy to interpret that as a causation, isn’t it? |
| Pinky | Well, I guess it is … but it’s not, right? It’s like the SpendFool said, isn’t it, when he said “did you know that Flavia coffee systems were used at 70% of these firms versus 40% adoption at low-performers? Clearly, using Flavia (winner of the Tweedleman award for worker caffeination) is a key predictor of supply chain excellence“. |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky. It’s just like that. And you’re never to mention it again! |
| Pinky | Why not, Brain? Narf! |
| Brain | Because if people know better, our plan won’t work. |
| Pinky | Oh. So I guess that means we need a survey. |
| Brain | Not just any survey, Pinky. We need the perfect survey! |
| Pinky | And how are we going to come up with the perfect survey? |
| Brain | We’re not! That’s the beauty of this plan. |
| Pinky | I don’t follow. |
| Brain | I’m going to hack Skippy’s computer. If anyone has the perfect survey tucked away for safekeeping, you know it’s going to be Skippy! After all, he’s the most likely to have stumbled upon it in his journalistic (Brain makes finger-quotes) pursuits. |
| Pinky | Are you sure you should be doing that? Nog! |
| Brain | Don’t worry, Pinky. I know what I’m doing. … A-ha! |
| Pinky | Where! Are they going to play “Take On Me”? |
| Brain | Pinky! |
| Pinky | Oh, that was just an expression, wasn’t it? |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky. I think I’ve got it. |
| Pinky | It? Narf! |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky. The perfect survey! Brain is silent for a few minutes while he begins to read the survey. |
| Pinky | Pinky interrupts. What’s it say, Brain? What’s it say? |
| Brain | It’s incredible. With what I’ve read so far, it looks like it doesn’t matter what the respondents answer … it’ll still support anything we want it to. Just give me a minute or two to scan it! Brain pages down to the second page. All of a sudden the screen goes blank and a message-box pops up. It says “Please enter your password. You have 20 seconds.” What’s this? No! … No! No! NO! |
| Pinky | What’s wrong, Brain? |
| Brain | A trap-door password trojan! If we don’t enter the right password within twenty seconds, it’s going to wipe the file … and probably the rest of the data on the system – including all of the data and tools I collected to hack Skippy’s system! Quick, Pinky. We might have only one shot at the password! What password would Skippy use? |
| Pinky | Um, er, “stay the course”! |
| Brain | Yes, Pinky! You’re right! Just a second. Brain enter’s the password. The message changes. The expression on Brain’s face shifts from relief to disappointed shock! |
| Pinky | What’s wrong, Brain? What’s it say? |
| Brain | It says. “Thank you. I will. Cordially, Skippy”. |
| Pinky | Well, that was certainly thoughtful of him! Why the sad look? |
| Brain | There’s more, Pinky. There’s more. |
| Pinky | More? |
| Brain | Yes. There’s a postscript. “Better luck next time, Brain.” How did Skippy know? HOW DID SKIPPY KNOW?! |
| Pinky | So that means … |
| Brain | It’s gone. It’s all gone. The survey, the information I used to hack the system, the toolkits. It’s all gone. How did Skippy know? |
| Pinky | Know what? |
| Brain | That … that …, oh, never mind. It’s time to return to the marketing cage. |
| Pinky | Why, Brain? |
| Brain | To prepare for tomorrow night. |
| Pinky | What are we going to do tomorrow night? Narf! |
| Brain | The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the sourcing world! |
Pinky and the Brain
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius, the other is insane
They’re advertising guys
Their mind is on the prize
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
Take over the sourcing world
They’re Pinky and the Brain
Yes, Pinky and the Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their sourcing grace
They’ll overthrow the space
They’re dinky
They’re Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, NARF!